Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Silvan]

You're still pulling me down.

I don't want to go to work but I can't call in.

[Celyn]

Tired. Can't be bothered to do anything. Can't concentrate. Want to break down in tears all the time. Ugh.

[Everglow.]

Literally nobody wants to spend any time with me. I'm done asking. I'm literally done trying because it's obvious there's something wrong with me.

I wish I could make this dread and anxiety disappear.

I'm already struggling with work and it's only 830

[Tigereyes]

Fatigue is the worst it's been in half a year but I can't sleep. Not that sleep would fix it, but sleep deprivation doesn't help either.

[Silvan]

i cry each time when i come home after meeting you. why do i still want to do it? it's totally crazy. i think i'm crazy.

[Tigereyes]

Everyone is getting job offers except me.. they've all barely spent any time or effort applying. They don't have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. they don't need to move out of an abusive house. But things just don't work out for me apparently. I'm about done. If I don't get the offer after my only second interview, I'm probably going to give up.

I don't feel like I can keep going. Interview next week and I'm nervous I'll screw it up.

[Everglow.]

Actually fail so much at functioning like a normal person. Made a trivial mistake and now I feel like crying even though it's such a small thing. Hate myself so much sometimes.

[Tigereyes]

I'm ready for this to end. One way or another. I need out of this hell.

[Everglow.]

Why cant my head let go of that one tiny stupid thing from earlier. It's making me feel so shit and I keep telling myself to get over it but my head keeps shouting it at me that I'm so stupid.

I am going to panic all week long about this interview and then what? Panic until I get the results and then freak out when I don't get it? Everyone is jinxing me by saying I'll get it.

[Tigereyes]

No amount of caffeine works anymore. Just reduces withdrawals. But it doesn't even stop withdrawals anymore.

I can't do this

[Everglow.]

It's just proof that I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. How can I expect to have friends when I dont enjoy anything?

[Tigereyes]

The only thing worse than a phone interview or an exam is a phone interview with exam type questions during it. Need a ton of benzos, but don't have access.

I'm struggling and my head hurts a ton

[Celyn]

Struggling with insecure thoughts today. Wish they would go away. I can only reassure myself so much.

Please let it work out.

[Storyteller.]

History repeats and I'm helpless to stop it.

[Tigereyes]

Fuck everything. Contemplated suicide today. I can't live in this house with my parents and go to work with them and have them hovering over me constantly as I try to get a job (and in general). Unfortunately, I have no choice until I get a decent job. And I can't get a job because my mental and physical health have gotten so bad from living with my parents and not having an actual job.

You're impossible.

That's the one thing I'll argue with you about. I try not to engage. I post what I want and when you respond with ignorance I ignore it. However, when you victim blame and shame and basically accuse rape survivors of lying... I'll fight you on that because that's exactly what I dealt with.

I was a liar. My family was full of losers so obviously it couldn't be true... Yeah I need to stop being your friend but it's so damn hard.

[Tigereyes]

I have a phone interview test thing that I feel super underqualified for. I can't do phone interviews or tests. It's in less than 3.5 hours. I don't have anything to treat my anxiety and my parents make fun of me for anxiety because most mental illnesses don't exist in their minds so to them I'm just overreacting and being immature. They keep trying to take videos/pictures of my panic attacks to show me "how stupid I look" to "fix my unreasonable behavior." And you guessed it, the anxiety has only gotten even worse. So they keep doing that and yelling at me more, which makes me even more anxious. No shit.

Well, I screwed that up. So much for a new job. Nnow I just wait for them to send out the form "We are sorry but you didn't get it". I want to die.

[Tigereyes]

Apparently I can't do anything or go anywhere without being interrogated by my parents. I'm 23... please stop.

I wonder how it would feel to cut the hell out of my body. Might make some of the anxiety disappear.

This desire to end my life is too intense

[Tigereyes]

I'm losing hope. Have to make plans for moving back into the house because the other lease ends in 3 weeks. I can't get another apartment because I still don't have a job. It's too late..

I can't deal with my parents going through all my stuff again with no cause to do so. But I doubt I can afford to rent a second storage unit. I don't even want to rent the first, and my parents will have access to that one.

[Everglow.]

It's been such a hot day. 33 degrees, ignorant people out, work has been absolutely manic. And then to top it all off, I get to the train station and every single train is either cancelled or delayed. An Uber is extortionate. 3 and a half hours later, and a bus ride to my sisters and then a car ride with my dad, I'm finally home, showered and have eaten. I'm exhausted.

[Everglow.]

No trains again so I have to get the bus for an hour and a half. Absolutely sick of this

[Tigereyes]

It's nearing the date.. and everything just constantly keeps getting worse with no hope of ever getting even slightly better. I've waited long enough. I'm done.

[Everglow.]

Been two hours since I finished work and I'm still an hour away from being home. My head is pounding and i feel like I'm going to cry

It's another work week. This week will be shorter than others but I'd prefer not having to deal with work at all tbh.

I feel exceptionally suicidal

[Celyn]

Spent the day trying not to cry but also wondering how much you have to invalidate someone in order to make them feel that they can't trust their own emotions and that someone else's perspective is right and your own is wrong. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish you hadn't planted the seeds of doubt in my mind.

[Tigereyes]

Yes, there are moments I feel okay, even good, but that doesn't take away the pain and suffering I feel the rest of the time.

[Tigereyes]

It's not fucking fair! I want to be happy for you, but I'm jealous that you get the easy way out when I'm suffering so much alone because you won't support me.

I feel like all I want is to die. I know why I'm feeling this way. I just wish I could enjoy my week. I'm taking a vacation and the way I'm feeling... It'll be hard to enjoy.