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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Breathe~me Offline
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Smile Feedback on my poem? - November 29th 2014, 07:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Just wondering if anyone wants to give me any feedback on this poem I wrote, the last stanza doesn't flow very well and I need abit of help fixing it


Because I'd rather succumb to sadness,
Than surrender to this monster,
Foreign to my vessel,
Destroying, Degrading, Depraving,
It lies within my body,
And merges with my soul,

Every night we talk,
It speaks but never listens,
Loud, Violent and Distressing,
Are the only words I seem to grasp,
To describe this heartless creature,
I'm just hoping these words won't be my last,

Tonight I dance with depression,
Until sadness clasps my hand,
Welcomes me as his company,
Tells me it's only temporary,
And that depression is a monster,
-That Will Never Last.


~ Words scar, Rumors destroy and bullies kill ~
~ I'm just another nobody.
~ You can't tell how much suffering is on a face that's always smiling </3
~ Be my friend.
hold me.
wrap me up.
unfold me.
I am small and needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

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Re: Feedback on my poem? - November 29th 2014, 06:18 PM

You did well with the whole poem. I especially like the personifications. The irony is great too because Sadness is sneaky!
You mentioned you wanted feedback specifically on the last stanza. Do be honest, these lines seem pretty good to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathe~me View Post

Tonight I dance with depression,
Until sadness clasps my hand,
Welcomes me as his company,
[/i]
Maybe it is the rest of the stanza that can be worked on (if you want, of course!)

Some thoughts:
"Tells me it's only temporary", -try avoiding the word "it" because I'm guessing you mean depression but since depression is personified here, maybe using a pronoun makes more sense? or somehow specifying more.
"And that depression is a monster", -maybe this line can be switched with the one above so that it reads
"tells me depression is a monster
but it's only temporary"- but then in this case, a more precise word than "tell". I'm thinking "reassure" "reminds" "insists" or something to signify that the speaker of the poem already knew that about depression but needs that extra reminder, so that the speaker can take action and leave depression because from what is described, it is a toxic friendship/relationship.
-"That Will Never Last". - maybe insert a metaphor here. Idk. What is something that doesn't last that you can compare depression to?

and this is only if you want...like all the other suggestions. And I don't even know what I'd personally do so this is just a curiosity of the possibilities type of thing.
But you left it at what "Sadness" said but what does the speaker of the poem say/do back? or respond? Is the speaker convinced by what Sadness has to say? Note: You don't have to reveal so much, because it's also fun for the reader to fill in the blanks. But think about the choices you have here. There's a lot you can say in the poem, and there's what can be said from what is omitted too.
   
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - November 29th 2014, 08:58 PM

Your poem is great I love the last stanza. I am not sure about 'it' in the 5th line of the first stanza. I would mayde switch it to monster or sadness or take it out. Also you can switch the the 2nd line of the 1st stanza(Than surrender to this monster) with the 5th line of the last stanza(and that depression is a monster) to start I thought you were calling the sadness the monster. My opinions are purely optional,your poem is very good like it is.


Every hero has a dark side
Every villian has a noble cause
I have seen the enemy and it is us


   
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - November 30th 2014, 03:47 AM

I really like this how it is!


   
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - November 30th 2014, 06:02 AM

I like the imaginary sequence and would not change what the poem represents.

Quote:
Tonight I dance with depression,
Until sadness clasps my hand,
That word bugs me a lot here - it sticks out in the way it sounds. It pierces the flow as I read it at least. You need a smoother sounding verb to replace it with.

The last line also... I don't understand what you are trying to point out or signify by saying depression will never last. How will it not? You're encountering it during this poem more than once. Unless you have a different definition for "to last" in this poem, which I'd definitely respect, replace it with a more smoother phrase that expresses reality. Maybe "will last no longer", some phrase of the sort. You get my point, I hope.

I don't see how using "it" is a problem. When you use "it" - either repulse or fear is accented, and very well at that. Depression is definitely an "it", and the writer is desiring to distance herself from what she sees as a monster. This sparks additional conflict and helps us feel what she is feeling. Intimacy and distance collide within emotion, that part I like.


I moved back while
my head was turned.

Upside down
closer to the end.

Afraid of the dark
within future times.

I'm drowning there,
my final chase.
   
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - December 1st 2014, 02:47 AM

This is really good!




Member Since 1/15/2012
   
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - December 1st 2014, 04:30 AM

I agree with Dez - this is good as it is!


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They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
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Re: Feedback on my poem? - December 14th 2014, 07:57 AM

I think it's good as is!


Can't stop now, I've traveled so far. - Foreigner

I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. - Garth Brooks


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Re: Feedback on my poem? - December 14th 2014, 09:27 AM

I also like it the way it is. Good job!
















   
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