Making friends as an adult?

[Storyteller.]

This isn't so much a request for advice as it is an invitation for discussion. How have you all been faring when it comes to making (and keeping) friends as an adult? Personally, I've found it a bit of a struggle. It often feels like things just aren't aligning, and it's difficult to coordinate schedules well enough to be able to actually hang out with people (or even just find the time/energy to reply to messages from them). Everyone always has things going on and the demands of adulthood don't seem to leave much room to focus on friendship. Is anyone else in a similar position? Feel free to offer advice if you have any, or just share your thoughts with people who might be going through the same thing.

I think this is an excellent discussion thread and I'm so glad you made it. Thanks, Charlie.

Making friends have always been a challenge for me, even when I was young. Bullies and snobs would turn my peers against me or cause me to endure not-so-pleasant things. I was so happy when I graduated and I had such high hopes; it just so happened that I joined a forum at around the same time. I made friends and it was great; but in retrospect, I realize it was all superficial.

It seems to be an even bigger struggle to make friends online today, what with social media and everything else influencing the way Internet users think, the things they say, and the way they behave. Looking at social media, it's filled with so much toxicity and I don't want to get caught up in all that drama, or risk being bullied by people much younger than me.

I actually have been and it fucking sucks. I don't get into fandoms anymore for this very reason - the stans. They actually turned me anti their OTP.

Anyways, as for real life, I've only made one friend throughout my adulthood. As you've said, it's difficult trying to work around her schedule and how much spoons she has for socializing. Sometimes, she'll be so stressed out and will snap if we get together, even though I'm minimally at fault; there'll be other factors affecting her mood, and it really stinks having your only friend be preoccupied with other things when all you want to do is just see your best friend.

I recently started a new job and at an outside function, I met two individuals who work at the same business but at a different location. They were very warm and talkative at the event, and I almost felt hopeful that we could be friends. I added them on Facebook, sent them messages; but I've gotten no responses from them and it really stinks.

How to make, and keep friends, as an adult? I don't know and I'd love to know others' secret for being able to do this!

[Everglow.]

I find making friends really hard actually. I only really have two people I consider close friends and I've known one of them since I was 5, and she introduced me to the other. For me I guess I never really know how to go from knowing a person, to being friends with a person. I don't know when you cross that threshold. I also find it hard balancing time with my existing friends, andtime with new friends, as I'm alredy so used to one that spending time with new people is hard and draining for me. I have been making an effort to go out with work colleagues more, such as at work socials, which is something I never did at any other job, but for me it's always uncomfortable as I'm not good at socialising in the slightest. I think I'm a fairly nice person but I guess my lack of social skills and inability to pick up on social cues very well mean I'm not super approachable to others

[Ennui.]

I think I had an okay time making friends as an adult because I went to college and grad school, but maintaining those friendships is what's been hard now that I've graduated. Besides online friends, there are two people I keep in touch with regularly and hang out with. The others are people that require more energy from me, even though I do care about them dearly and would hate to see anything happen to them, so I don't message them as much. They don't always message me either so it's not just one-sided!

I've always been told that finding things to do like joining clubs like a book club, volunteering, or making friends through work is the way to go. I don't have the self-confidence or the time to volunteer anymore, and I don't know what type of social activity I'd join when my mental health has kind of zapped my hobbies and energy.

[Corti]

For now I'm losing contacts with my friends because we need to think about different things related to uor career and studiyng. I hope to find more friends at the uni or at work... but I do not imagine how is it possible

[Resilient]

I have two to three good friends that I always talk to. I usually don’t have the time to hang out with any of them, but we’re just happy texting back and forth and getting responses when the other gets the time. Every once in a while our schedules line up and we get together for lunch or whatever but it’s not often. When you are able to line your schedules up with each other, you simply have to take the opportunity because it may not come around again for a long time. It’s just a matter of forcing yourself to obtain and maintain your friendships. Two of my friends are from high school and the other is a former co worker. I still keep in contact with a few of my former coworkers but we’re just not as close as me and my closer friends.

I guess my point is, friendship works both ways. You also have to keep up with your end of the friendship but they also need to keep up their end. Otherwise, the friendship won’t work. Even if it takes you a month to respond to their text or they need to nudge you to get you to respond, you’re still trying to maintain the friendship too.

[Storyteller.]

Thank you all for your responses! It's both reassuring and a little disheartening to know that this is such a common issue.

[Celyn]

Thank you for choosing to create this thread- it's very thought provoking!

Not sure I can talk much about making friends as an adult (I've made some acquaintances at volunteering and sometimes hang out with them, but I don't feel close enough to call them friends, but that's just me) but I agree that maintaining friendships can be challenging.

Most of my friends are busier than me, though I expect I will feel the same when I get a job. At the moment, I try to be understanding. I keep in touch mostly through messages. I don't want them to feel pressured like they have to respond straight away or anything, and I'm mostly okay with them taking a while to get back to me. Sometimes I just send a quick meme or something I came across that reminded me of them, as at least there isn't any pressure to respond to that really. It's hard but what keeps me going is remembering that they do care about me, and life is busy now, but there will be less busy moments in life too. I also want to reach out to someone I was really close to but it's actually this very problem that I also don't want to reach out to them (in the sense of they are busy and maybe don't have the time to reconnect with someone from years ago, let alone maybe re-establishing a friendship). I really wish there was more room for friendships in adult life!