My boyfriend can’t stay hard

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hey guys. This is rather embarrassing to post about. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I would say for the past few months or so we have drastically had less sex. Not that we ever had a lot to begin with. It seems like he’s just not in the mood a lot of times. But then sometimes he will initiate it but then it’s like he cannot stay hard long enough to even start. He masturbates pretty much fine on his own. But he doesn’t initiate it often at all anymore. This is really starting to cause problems for us. Specifically me. I am taking it as he’s not attracted to me anymore. He has told me that it’s not that and that he will figure out why it’s happening, but as much as I want to I can’t accept that it’s not him losing interest. We have not been able to have sex in over a month now. He just got back from a long vacation and after almost two weeks of not seeing him when we tried, nothing still. He is too young to be suffering from ED. I don’t know. I have spent so much time upset and crying over this. I don’t want to make him feel bad. He told me it makes him feel bad seeing me so upset and that he’s always worried it will happen again. So he wants to say it’s performance anxiety.

I don’t know what to do. This is really affecting the relationship in the worst way possible. Every time it happens I cry and it’s rather embarrassing.

Has anyone else had this happen? I’m so afraid that despite his reassurance that this is just the end for us and that he isn’t into me anymore.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hi,

I first of all want to say that this is not something you have to be embarrassed about! Neither of you are alone in this and there are a lot of people who have had similar experiences.

If it is performance anxiety, can you ask him if there is anything you are able to do to help him out with it? For example, do you two do any foreplay before sex, that may be able to help him become more aroused? Is there anything he thinks you can say to him during sex that may improve his confidence? Perhaps if he is worried that he isn't satisfying you, you can either reassure him that he is doing fine or talk to him about trying different positions that both of you may enjoy more? Communicate, even during sex, to say what is feeling good. Trying new things may help get both of you reinvigorated.

It may also help if he tries to assess what his thoughts, feelings, and actions are during sex before he loses his hardness and then when he stops being hard. What types of things are going through his mind? Is he feeling any anxiety? Is it a certain position he's trying? Basically, he can try and pinpoint where things are starting to happen.

While I can't go into detail, there are also ways to be intimate and give pleasure without the traditional penis-in-vagina sex. It's something you may want to look up for more information.

I hope this helps, even a little.

Best of luck,
Dez

[Astro04]

Hm... bad situation. If he can still masturbate himself long as you say, means that his problem is from his psyche. It happened something wrong between you two?

[Nikk]

Hello! My boyfriend has this same issue. I don't know if it may be similar to what your boyfriend may be going through, but the main reason my bf can't stay hard is because of his porn addiction. He simply isn't interested in real sex anymore. Try asking your boyfriend to restain from watching porn if he does and to stop masturbating for a while. Let me know if it helps

I had a partner who had issues with performance anxiety for a long time. I, too, took it to mean that they weren't interested in me anymore, or that I wasn't turning them on enough. I shed many tears over it as well. I think people who are AFAB (assigned female at birth) and are in relationships with someone who has a penis, are taught that it's our job to be arousing, and our job to make our partner reach satisfaction. In reality, that's not the truth. We are not responsible for our partners arousal or orgasm.

It took me a long time to uncouple myself from that, and accept that the performance anxiety did not have anything due to my attractiveness. I know that my partner seeing me upset made it even harder for them to get aroused, because stress just makes performance anxiety worse. What worked for us was finding other ways of having physical pleasure that didn't involve their penis. There are plenty of ways to have sex, and to cause pleasure. While it felt like a loss not to use their penis for a while, it made them less stress, and I still received physical pleasure from them. It wasn't the same, exactly, but it did help because I still felt connected to them.

My advice would be to communicate with your partner, before and during physical intimacy, and take it slow. Ask him what he would like. Are there things he's interested in that you haven't explored? Are there things he does like that you don't do as often? Ask yourself, too, what might bring your pleasure, and what might add more excitement or intimacy to your play.

You may also just have a higher sex drive. That can be problematic; I've encountered it with several partners. I never really found a solution to that, other than to accept my partner where they were at and respect their boundaries surrounding sex. I stopped pursuing it as much and that made it more natural and less stressful for my partners when it did happen.

Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]You probably won't like this response but the same thing was happening to me when I had my first gf. But for me, and I was wrong to do it, I was gay but didn't want anyone to think it so I got a gf. The only problem was I wasn't sexually attracted to her so when she initiated sex stuff, I couldn't get hard.
So like the other poster said, if he can get hard to masturbate, then it could be lack of actual physical attraction for him.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]