How to find a boyfriend and what is considered healthy?

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hello. I'm a straight 17-year-old girl. I have been thinking about wanting to be in a relationship for a while now. I have never dated anyone so I don't have much experience but the feelings I get when I think about being with someone in a romantic way makes me sure I really want it. It's a part of being a human right?

But the problem is that I am quite shy when it comes to making new connections in school for example. I'm pretty talkative and lively when I feel comfortable with the person/people with me but because I look very silent and boring I think I should be the one making the first move. I know a few guys I would like to get to know better but they seem 'too popular/smart/etc' for me. I know I am scared of asking anyone out because I find it a little embarrassing. Is school a good place to find love in the first place? I would prefer to start a relationship with someone I have known longer but at the moment I'm fairly open to other ways, too.

One more aspect is that I'm a little scared to actually start a relationship in fear that I will be too selfish. Love is a natural emotion caused by hormones wanting you to breed asap and needing affection is also understandable but what if I get too clingy? I am currently really stressed out in school and life seems boring and plain and this makes me even more hesitant. Am I just trying to find someone to talk about my stress with me? Does thinking these things make me immature for real love after all?

Thank you for your time! I really appreciate all the help![/size]

[Brandon]

All right. Well, first off...you're 17 years old. When I was 17, about 11 years ago, I thought I knew all kinds of shit because I was about to graduate high school and get into college. I thought...what could be so different? Well, as it turns out...a lot. You've got a lot of growing up to do.

You've never dated anyone, which is great because you're gonna face a lot of new experiences which can be very exciting. Unfortunately, a lot of what you learn about love, about being a healthy partner, is about learning through your own experiences. Initially, you have all of these conceptions on what it means to be a girlfriend, what it means to satisfy your partner, etc etc. As you get older, those things may change, and that's okay.

The important thing to note here is that...your story is your story. It's unique, and it's the only story that matters. Social media is out there, and it's very difficult to live your life the best way you can because everyone lives differently, and they also love differently. Don't get sucked into people's lives where you feel like you have to do anything to feel like you're a good partner. In general, you should always strive to be your best self, and to do your best. Aside from that, your best is all you can do, and if someone believes that your best isn't good enough for them, that's okay.

You might get lucky and have 1 partner your entire life, that's okay. You might have 15 partners throughout your life, and that's okay, too.

Your first relationship, your boyfriend might break up with you because you're too clingy. That's okay. Why? Because that breakup teaches you to not be clingy next time. It teaches you how to be your best self, and that's something school can't teach you. As you get older, you experience more. Sometimes those experiences are bad, and that's okay. Bad experiences are sometimes beyond your control, and the only thing you can do is learn from them. Learning from your experiences makes you a better person, and you'll appreciate those experiences when you get much older.

Don't be afraid to be selfish. Being selfish limits your potential opportunity out there, but that's exactly what should happen. It's not about the quantity of your relationships, it's about the quality. It's far better to be with a person for 3 years, than it is to be with a person for 3 months. When you're selfish, you look for people who are compatible with you, and that's exactly what you should be doing...because if you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, they should be all that you require. Otherwise, you'll be settling. Don't settle. You'll avoid a lot of heartache that way. Either way, if you don't, you'll learn. And that's okay, too.

Shyness is something you can change. Usually, it just happens with age. You experience college, you get jobs. It's just something you grow up with, so don't worry about that. Don't be afraid to be shy, either. However, if someone approaches you, don't be afraid to be afraid...if that makes sense. Face your fears, give it a shot, and see where it goes. Don't worry, you'll make plenty of mistakes, as do we all...and that's okay.

School is generally not a good place to find a relationship, but you know what? If it happens, it happens. As long as you feel like they are compatible and worth your time, go for it. Otherwise, no big deal.

[Honeybadger40]

Hi there,

Firstly I don't think wanting a relationship makes you too immature for one at all. You have to decide you want one before you can start one whatever age you are. Some people want a relationship at 15, others may not feel the need until they're well into their 20s. The point I'm trying to make is that we're all different and we all feel ready at different times.

I think your concerns about being too selfish and too clingy if you get a boyfriend are valid but it's not something you can really tackle until you're actually in a relationship. As you've never had a relationship before you can only speculate about how you'd be in one so It might not end up being a problem at all. I think all I can say on that at this moment in time is to just try to make sure that when you do start a relationship that you have plenty of hobbies and friends and other things going on in your life that you enjoy and want to dedicate time to so that you don't become unhealthily attached to your partner.

Shyness is something you can over come, I think it just takes a little practice. I used to be really shy but I think I came out of my shell a lot when I started university as it gave me a lot more opportunities to meet new people and gain some social coconfidence. Try talking to people you don't normally chat to in classes now and again, or perhaps you could join some clubs centred around your interests to help you make new connections with like minded people?

In terms of actually finding a boyfriend though, it's not really something you can engineer and plan. Sure, you can take certain steps to increase your chances, e.g. trying to talk to people you don't usually talk to, asking friends to set you up on dates and joining clubs and classes to meet more potential friends and 'matches' but ultimately you have to be patient and just know that the right person will come along when the time is right.

In terms of what's healthy, as the above poster said you tend to learn a lot of this through experience. But some obvious signs of an unhealthy relationship could include: verbal, physical or sexual abuse, gas lighting, one or both partners becoming too focused on the relationship to the point it distracts them from other commitments, excessive jealousy and possesiveness, dishonesty, controlling behaviour, insults, manipulation and poor communication.

Good luck.

Message me if you need anything.

Honey