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the cuts are getting deeper annd the amount of blood that comes out gets to be more and more each time. nothing seems to be going right annd i cant stop the razor from finding its way back to my wrists annd i cnt stop it from sliding a crossed my skin. i just wanna kill myself, if i could i would! i want to just cut my arms, DEEP GASHES FROM THE TOP ALL THE WAY DOWN ! letting me bleed out as my body ran cold.
just thinking about hurting him makes my body ich annd i start scratching causing...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I'VE LOST MY BLADE!!!!!! WHAT DO I DO??? I NEED MY OLD BLADE!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE MORE BUT THEY'RE RUBBISH IN COMPARISON!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO IT COULD BE ANYWHERE! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Had a horrible night. Nightmares. Causing more family problems. Being attacked. Crying. Scared.
Got up. Gained weight since Thursday. I'm so angry with myself.
It's because of Saturday night. Because I ate this morning. Because I'm so stupid and far too dependant on food.
Hazel kept calling me "skinny" yesterday. "Wish I was as skinny as you." She has no idea what that even means. Just because I'm a little smaller than she is doesn't make me "skinny".

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I feel like this is the only place I can be heard. The only place someone actually cares. The only place I tell the truth about myself. I have no secrets on here it's 100% me. It's crazy that I can tell every secret to people I don't even know, but when it comes to my family and friends I can't talk. I told my mom the the ground is crumbling today; she just looked at me like I was stupid. She didn't understand the metaphor. The ground= my life, it's crumbling and eventually there will be nothing...

Ugh thank god! My parents evening actually went well... teachers were dead nice and didn't focus on the fact I'm never listening just said I have a 'good work ethic'. SO relieved, I thought they were gunna have a go that although I'm deadly silent I'm always in my own world. In fact I only had one bad appointment and that was textiles... I don't care about textiles, pointless subject, don't know why I picked it, all I do is trap my finger in the machine I can't work. Although I shouldn't be having...

Sitting in the college library again. Hiding. Saw head of the dept. at reception this morning, she might have been asking them to call me to see if I was coming in.
The bus driver decided to drive past me this morning. I walked out of the bus shelter when he came up the hill and waited by the road for him to stop. He just stared at me and kept driving. Wow, thanks.
So I get to be late. I'm sat in the library because I'm nearly an hour late already and break is in 20 minutes. I'll go

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Can't deal with this today. Please don't make me deal with this today.
But if I don't go in, I'll be kicked off the course. I feel so sick. Already cut. Want to more. Except these new blades. I like the pain. I love the blood. But I really hate the slicing feeling.
Need to get over it. Need more. I WANT TO BLEED UNTIL I CAN'T ANYMORE.
Leaving later. Will probably be late for college. Don't even know what room I'm supposed to be in. Fml.
I hate this. I can't deal with

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Panicking about tomorrow. I have to go into college.
Shona told me last week that if I'm not in tomorrow for this assessment then I can't do the course.
I don't even know what this assessment is about. 500 words about what happened when I talked to Kerry about bringing the guides in to sing war songs to the residents? WTF? I didn't even USE 500 words when I explained it to her. It was a short conversation.
"Part of my placement is to organise an activity that's centred...