My arm really aches. But every time I feel it aching it triggers me. I want to hit it against something, make it hurt more. Hell, I want to break it. Break it up into tiny little pieces. I want to hurt because I hurt other people.

J asked me to try not to hurt him again. But I need to hurt someone. I only hurt him because he stops me from hurting myself.

So I guess it's back to hurting myself.

I've started looking at pictures of thin people. Searching for diet tips. It's not good. I know it's wrong. I know I'm already at risk of an eating disorder. I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food, ever since I was little.

But there's part of me, well, most of me, that just thinks shush. Stop thinking of the bad things. If you get thin you'll be prettier. If you get thin you'll feel better. If you get thin you won't feel so bad.

It's so tempting.
...

I'm mood swinging horribly.

I was mainly angry today.

I bust up my wrist wacking it off a wall. I think it's ok, but it ached like hell for a bit. I can move my fingers and the pain has calmed down so I think it's ok now.

I also beat up J.

I scare him.

I scare myself.

Something my boyfriend said to me earlier; “Anyone can give up, it's such and easy thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
And i know i should listen and that he is right, but yet i am falling apart, i have broken and i don't know what to do anymore.

I ODed again, I failed..AGAIN! I am so weak, i keep stopping myself and i am so confused with my feelings... i know i should get help, but everything is...

...