I keep having nightmares about my family. Friday night I dreamt I was at a family dinner when my dad's sister came up behind me and whispered that unless I told the family everything, she would. It'd be worse that way. I said something back to her that made perfect sense at the time but I don't even remember it now. I just know it was my way of standing up to her and saying "Hell no, you're not doing this to me again."
It still really scared me and I knew that what she wanted me

...

I've barely eaten today. I'm worried about dinner. My mum's doing potatos and fish but I don't want to eat any. I can get away with hala potato but I have to eat the fish. I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to eat it.

I want to cut again. I've printed out the list of alternatives and I'm going to try some.

My boyfriend said he'd come round but he hasn't yet. He's probably forgotten.

I want to go to sleep.

I've found my old diary.

So many suicide plans.

I think I need help.

I saw myself in the shower this morning. I tried holding my stomach in. Still made a body I didn't like, but perhaps that shape would make me happier. I've eaten a couple of rice cakes this morning, but they had chocolate spread on them. I should stop doing that.

I can get away with a minimal lunch today because it's Sunday and we just eat soup. If I eat the soup, then I can skip on bread and stuff.

Dinner is harder. Perhaps I can hide some of it? I don't know. I hate...

I want it to go away. I want to stop caring. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate living like this. I feel like I'm living a double life.

I had another rough night last night. I woke at about half one. Found it hard to get back to sleep. Woke again in the morning with a headache.

I'm going to have a shower. Then finish my homework, if I can motivate myself enough.