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The same old story. (Triggering)

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Posted April 8th 2013 at 11:58 PM by Ennui.

I'm so sad that my sister was looking through my phone one day. I got paranoid and deleted the pictures I took of the cuts on my thighs. They were fresh. Bloody. New. And I needed to remember what was there since I can never ever cut there again now that my mom is going to be seeing my thighs Wednesay. I wish I didn't delete those pictures because now they're fading and that's sad to me. I liked just staring at it. I wish I could cut there some more. And my arms and everywhere. Is it so bad that I look more beautiful with cuts and scars?

Which is bad for me to be thinking at all when I've been in a relatively good mood lately. I'm more and more thinking that a lot of what I'm feeling is just PMS because I'm due for my period right now and that makes me feel so fake. It makes me feel as if all this has just been made up in my mind and that nothing is as big as it seems. I mean, PMS is common so I'm probably just wasting everyone's time on this site and in counseling. So to anyone who's actually given a shit I'm sorry for wasting your time.

I almost feel guilty for the days I feel good.

But even on those good days my motivation isn't always what it should be and I can get emotional quickly. But isn't that the same for any other teenager out there?

Even on days where everything is going right though I think of self harm a lot of the time and a lot of the time want to cut without reason. A lot of the time I can refrain from cutting and I can't say the urges get particularly strong when I do give in. Sometimes it's just I like seeing the blood and it's comforting even when I'm only a little sad. Even on good days I think about how I probably won't succeed in life.

So. I'm probably just wasting all your time so sorry.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey dezi, 1st off sorry I got distracted in replying to this lol.

    I know we've discussed this more in depth and I truly feel that following those steps will help, and once you see how that makes you feel go from there to take further steps to recover. You can beat this, I know its been a long hard road but you can over come it! Hang in there Dez and as always i'm here. :)
    Posted April 9th 2013 at 02:51 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    You're not wasting anyone's time.

    PMS is a bitch. If you already struggle with moods and stuff, PMS is an even bigger bitch.

    You're not making it up. You have real, genuine issues that you need help with, and you need people to listen and to let you know your experiences are REAL. Keep talking to your counselors and stuff, and let them know how badly your PMS is affecting your thinking right now - it may be that your hormones are messing you around more than they should.

    <3 Keep going. You don't have to add more scars, because then as you age, you'll probably regret them.
    I often regret mine.
    Posted April 9th 2013 at 03:33 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
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