Stress.

My anxiety has been weird lately. I'm back at a stage where I am getting really stressed and worked up over things, especially today and yesterday, and it kind of really sucks. I hate when I get this way but now I am so stressed. And I've had this lingering heavy feeling that I don't like. I feel safe, but I don't like the lingering blah feel.

I was anxious earlier and I have no idea why. It started out when my professor said she was going to be handing back papers at the end of the class and of course that made me so nervous, but then even after I got my paper back and determined I got a good grade, the anxiety and tension just sort of carried on from there. Lovely.

I don't understand why I didn't get it in my first class of the day. I took a test. Maybe I'm confident that I passed, but I'll probably still freak out when I get the grade back.

So after that I bought some more cupcakes from the bake sale because treating myself is nice. One of my friends from this told me I could go to Q-Group (An LGBT+ group) even if I had to leave early, so I finally went.

I was anxious and tense through that as well. They seem to like me though and they said it's okay if I leave early every week to go to my other club. They seem like a really nice group of people though.

But I'm starting to think and question myself again. I am wondering if I am agender because I like my gender expression, I just don't like having gendered genitals/breasts. I had another moment last night of being grossed out by my breasts and vagina.

I'm also wondering if I'm somewhere on the aromantic and asexual spectrum. It takes me a LOT to feel attracted to someone. Normally it happens VEEERY rarely. I like the idea of no strings attached sex sometimes to see if I enjoy it, but at the same time I can't actually see myself kissing someone or doing anything sexual or intimate besides like maybe playing with my hair or something, idek. So it makes me wonder if I'm somewhere on the aromantic/asexual spectrum with a few exceptions. I'm okay with just labeling as queer for now though.

I'm thinking of coming out as queer to my sister. She seems accepting. She's posted stuff on Facebook about LGBT+ rights a few times now, and there was a time where I was texting someone and she asked if they were my boyfriend and when I said no asked if they were my girlfriend. So I'm thinking of coming out because I do think she'd be supportive but I'm scared that she will tell my parents, whether accidentally or not. I'm not ready for my parents to know.

After all this I went to my Public Health Society club and that went all right. I then took a nap because I've been getting headaches every day for a few days, ugh.

Then a while later I realized something. I accidentally scheduled my doctor appointment for the same day that I am volunteering for True Colors. I'll have to call and reschedule that tomorrow.

BUT now I am also flipping shit because I don't know how I'm getting to the volunteer event. It didn't dawn on me that I will be on vacation during this time and therefore nobody will be in the dorms. If it's early enough my sister said she'll take me back to campus so I can then be taken to the event (She doesn't know what the event is), but that is only possible if she's not working at that time. So now I have to bring it up with some of the people in my LGBT+ Prism club so I can get it sorted. I will feel really embarrassed to go to the actual board of the Prism club so I'm asking other members first to see if they know then going from there. I feel like such a bother due to this.

I also feel like a bother because I emailed my adviser again about trying to get that class waived because the guy she told me to email hasn't emailed me back again. She's going to hate me.

I have so much to do tomorrow too, except not really. It probably will go by fast but I'm just stressed so I'm like "Ugh, why did I agree to do anything besides go to class tomorrow?"

Stresstressstress.