I got a new blade. Again. My friend sent me this one. Cut today for no particular reason except to try it out. This one works the best out of all of them. But it's still not enough. It still won't give me the satisfaction I want since I can't slice myself whenever I want. Now that summer's coming I have to be even more careful but everyone will find out at my birthday or graduation party anyway.

I can't stay happy for long right now anyway. I can be all happy and excited but it's...

39 days. I made it 39 days before I ruined my streak. My goal was two months. But I guess I did better than I have in a while.

The low hit me hard and hit me fast. It started yesterday. I woke up feeling sad just because I exist. The thought of doing work and going through a day and doing what I have to do just makes me want to cry.

Then today it's worse. Second guessing everything and so much anxiety and random stress. Over everything. Sore and just don't know what...

I haven't cut in 25 days. The suicidal thoughts haven't really been there. Sure I've had my low days where I've had the urge to cut. The two days that stick out in my mind, one day I decided to just go to sleep a little early to combat the urges, and one day I didn't have my tool on me so I couldn't.

I've actually felt GOOD lately and I don't know why. I don't know how long it is going to last but it feels so nice to wake up and have more energy to do things and not constantly feel...

I was going to write this brilliant blog entry but let's just leave it as I can't keep my head above water much longer. It's like I'm drowning in my own mind. I'm tired and constantly low and constantly wanting to cry and hurt myself and die and just give up. I've just been low all the time lately. And I can't even figure out how to make myself better or drag myself out of it or what anyone else can do to help. Nobody else...

My friends tell me all of these cool stories about the things they do. And even stories that I shouldn't approve of but I wish I could do and get away with anyway. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, hell, even drinking and shoplifting and getting away with both. Buying this and that, getting tattoos/piercings, dying their hair. Getting new cars. Doing all of these good things for the community. Getting some award.

Having some talent. They all sing, dance, do something. Because...

Skipped school today. I have such an aversion to taking the bus in the morning and my mom couldn't take me today, so I sort of just sat in bed refusing to get dressed until I ran late. Not to mention I dropped my Kindle on my face and managed to cut my lip, and I gave myself a little bit of a fat lip. So my face hurt. And TH was down this morning.

Well, I DID start getting dressed after a while but either way it was too late and for some reason I was such an emotional wreck this...

Can't do this. Really can't do this. I'm so stupid and won't make it anywhere in life and ugh. Cried like twice today and it put my brain in such a haze. It always makes me so tired and sick feeling to cry. I can't think. I can't type. I just want to curl up and sleep. Getting a headache from the stress I'm under.

Skipped out on therapy on Friday because I just wanted to go home. I hope she still calls me down at some point this week. I she doesn't by Friday I'll probably give in...

It all hit me again. 65 in science isn't going to get improved because I realized from the start of everything that I can't do it and have more work for that class loaded on top of me to add on to all of it. Fun. Spent the other night crying because I realized how much of a failure I really am. Haven't studied. Any time I think about it I cry.

Math: Apparently what we are doing has a lot of "simple algebra" in it. Simple? God. I can't even do any of it.

...

I can't tell if not caring is a GOOD thing or a BAD thing. Maybe a bit of both.

Good, I guess, is that normally in gym I'd be so embarrassed by how sucky I am at everything, but right now I could care less.

But I could care less about grades or anything either. I left a good portion of my science test blank because I just didn't even want to try to find the right answers because it was hard. Don't care if I fail anyway because she lets us retake. Making minimal to no...

It never does. The stress-free me never stays for long. The stress is always lurking in the shadows.

Christmas was all right. Some fun parts then some parts that I just don't care. It's not that I wasn't happy, it's just there's no fun in Christmas for me anymore. Not when I know what 95% of my gifts are before Christmas because I have to pick them out. Not when it's the same routine. Wake up, open presents, hide in room with cool new stuff for a while and family does their thing,...