So basically I had an incident with another student in the school. It wasn't anything I felt threatened by, but my parents took what was said by the other student in a threatening way, and reported it to administration.

So, one of the vice principals called me down today. I got so nervous I couldn't breathe and it felt as if I was choking on my words. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was having an asthma attack, only I knew it wasn't an asthma attack...

So. I realized how much of an idiot I am and how anxiety is going to consume me this year and how I just can't handle it anymore and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to live with it but it's getting worse and I don't know what do do.

Had to submit my summer math packet in school today so I went into the library to do it and then the library was closed so I started getting nervous because this was one of the few study halls I had to submit it before the 10th. This one,...

So, I found out today that my teacher, Mr. W, passed away on the tenth. My friend heard a rumor so then I asked my teacher and she confirmed it... Apparently the school didn't even notify her and she was Mr. W's co-teacher for YEARS. And they didn't even have the courtesy to tell her? It's no fair. She didn't even know any of the wake and funeral information.

My dad found his obituary. His funeral is on Monday. My sister who also had him as a teacher is taking me there. It's quite...

I have come to the realization that if I don't go inpatient I probably will try to kill myself and that is the scariest thing ever. I found myself counting my pills last night. My mind telling me to just take them. And then this morning it was the same thing, to just take them. Those thoughts won't stop.

Part of me just wants to try to kill myself rather than go inpatient because I don't want to hear my parents but part of me feels screwed if I don't die because I'll have to hear...

My counselor basically wants me to think more in the present rather than in the future and she gave me an exercise to do where I write down five things I can see, four things I can hear, three things I can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing I can taste. You may see more of these.

And, well, I'm triggered right now so I need the reminder.

I can see

1. My keyboard. Some of the keys are wearing of. The L key is almost completely worn off, the H, D, M, N, and

...

Was doing some thinking yesterday in the shower, because don't a lot of people think in the shower?

I remembered the night I got promoted from 8th grade, basically a graduation but the school didn't call it that because it's only from middle school, not for high school. My family came. Originally, many of them weren't supposed to because we were only allowed a certain amount of tickets, but the person who handled the tickets knew me and liked me so we got more. I wore a dress and...

Today, May 18, makes one year since my dog, Misty, passed away. Part of me feels really guilty that I was able to go about my day like it was nothing, like I shouldn't be sad. I had set my alarm to wake me up at 9 AM, the time that she was put down last year, but I somehow managed to sleep through it. So I guess maybe writing this will make me feel something? Maybe I'll even cry. But that's okay, because I feel as if I need to today.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of her, though....

If you were alive today, you would be 92 years old or thereabout.
If you were alive today you'd see me getting into the National Honor Society. You'd be so proud of me. And for medalling fifth in Skills.
You'd be so proud of my sister for raising a beautiful little girl.
You'd probably be proud of a lot of our family.
I was so sad when you started to forget things but deep down I knew that you still remembered some things, it was just trapped within your mind. You remembered...

It's like.

I don't feel overly bad, not horrible by any means and nothing much has happened except my period came. And now it's gone.
I still can't say I feel horrible, just eh I guess. I have my good moments but yet I'm cutting so much and I don't even know why. There have been at least seven instances this month, and a lot of resisting. I've made my thickest cut I've ever made and long to do it again but can't seem to figure out how. I've bled so much I've just slightly tinted...

I'm so sad that my sister was looking through my phone one day. I got paranoid and deleted the pictures I took of the cuts on my thighs. They were fresh. Bloody. New. And I needed to remember what was there since I can never ever cut there again now that my mom is going to be seeing my thighs Wednesay. I wish I didn't delete those pictures because now they're fading and that's sad to me. I liked just staring at it. I wish I could cut there some more. And my arms and everywhere. Is it so bad that...