As it gets closer to Christmas, my family reminds me how I ruined their Christmas last year, and how I better not ruin it this year.

Recap: Last year. I was angry. I was bitter. I was depressed. But mostly angry. I withdrew myself from everyone in the family. Christmas morning everybody went to open their gifts. I tried to stay in bed, but I got pulled out. They wanted to take pictures to see our faces. My sister Katie got money, my sister April got perfume and her special movie,...

What?
Why are you staring at me?
I'm only smiling?
Oh, what for?
What not for? I'm fighting.
For what?
For everything.
Like what?
Like you.
Why you?
Why not?
Why do I care so much?
Because when I don't, I know you can fall apart.
Thank me?

No, thank you.

All my friends hate me.(The ones in Drama anyway)
You'd think I'd be so upset over this.

But I stood up for someone I belived in. I spoke up for once.

For once I was heard.
I help everyone all he time, and they never notice, I slip up and it's noticed for everything

But...

I don't care.

I'm going to fight.
I'm not giving those stupid fucking people any sasification.

This is my life. ...

You knlw how they say love finds you, you don't find it?
I didn't belive it.
But I gave up.
And love came.
His name..Eskie!
I can feel it with him...perfect<3
Although I could never say,"I love you.", again, I can feel it, but that's all I will let hapen, just the feel.
Just the feel.
Last night, at like one in the morning, he said, "All I want for Christmas is you and a new pair of pants."
I said, "All i...

She is so PERFECT.
Everyone looks up to her. Everyone wants to be her. Everyone wants to date her.
Where am I in all this?
Have I not put myself out there enough to be noticed like her?
Have I not been pretty enough?
Am I just crazy?
Am I going insane?
Whatever happen to me? Did I just disappear?
I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job of putting on a smile, and faceing the day. Each and everyday.
You know what??
I compare...

I can't think.
Don't think, Hope.
Don't think, Hope.
Stop. Stop. Stop.

I have this headache that won't go away lately. I asked my grandma about it, she said she doesn't know why I would have a headache.She said she would take me to the doctor. I refused, I just said, "I'm tired. I'll be in fine in the morning." Well, I wasn't fine. And now, I know this headache won't go away. It's there because I try so hard not to think anymore. Everytime I think I...

Dad, we haven't talked in weeks. It's begining to feel like months. Even years.
OH WAIT! You missed 14 years of my life!!!!!
&& this time you said you were going to be here, that you would never leave, that you promised.
Why did you lie?
It's like I do not even exist in your eyes. If you have time for my MOTHER (of all people) then why do you not have time for me?
I guess I will always be the forgotten child.
I wasn't worth haveing a loveing father...

These past few days have been pretty good. My fake smile is getting me through.
But somthing happened with Bryan. You know, the 4 year exboyfriend? Ya. Him.
We started talking again. It was a real smile with him. He kept me laughing. I couldn't help laughing, it was too contagious. Everything with him is just ...just so...natural. And when I hugged him goodbye...I almost forgot he wasn't mine, and I wasn't his. Just for a moment. Just for a glimpse. I saw all the happy times we used...

I am trying to be happy.
I am trying to show myself.
I am trying.
I am trying.
I am trying.




Whenever I feel imperfect like this..I admit it, I listen to Hannah Monantas song, "Nobodys Perfect"
I dont care what anyone says, she makes me feel worth something.