Today. Monday, Novemember 14, 2011
Was a weird day. I almost forgot I was alive for awhile, it felt good. I put on a mask && I really felt like was conpletely different person. It's weird, really. I find myself being myself around Travis. It is completely unnatural. He's my buddie. But. He kissed my cheek today. It was odd. But I ignored it. Haha. I like being buddies with him. He makes me feel like I can be my true, real self and he will still accept me. But everyonee thinks I like...

Worse and worse
I fail at all I do.
A blessing or a curse?
I love you.
But my heart broke in two.
Was all we said..
Really just words to you?
Empty words.
Heart shattered
Feel used, Feel misplaced.
I didnt even matter.
I guess its done.
Can you tell? But you dont care about my tears.
This is nothing, This makes me noone.
Watch me turn around.
Say goodbye, a final time darling.
I cant look back, my word...

I remember when I used to laugh.
Now, I can't even break a smile.
I guess happiness has become my past.
My friends pass me by.
Oh, how I love each and every one of them.
I know I'm letting them down, but they can't see through the lie.
I told them I am a failure.
They either walk away or try to help.
But none can find the cure.
I guess I'm too far gone.
And I need a person.
But there was noone.
As I write everyone my final letter....

I don't have a happy past.
Most the memories are full of tears and pain.
All you see me do is cry over them.
Everyone says to get over it.
It's the past. It should stay there.
Shouldn't it?
My past doesn't stay there. It isn't done with.
It is my future. It is my present.
I'll never get over the memories.
I didn't have a true father.
I still don't.
That's why I look for love in a boy.
Which is stupid I know.
So, I stopped...

I fell in love.
With this kid.
Bryan.
One year, fell in love.
Second year, head over heals.
Third year, went senseless, lost track.
Fourth year, lost the love.
I was messed up. But I caught myself before I went to far down.
Found Alan.
Amazing friend.
Fell hard.
Really hard.
Way past head over heals.
It hurts so much. I really love him.
He will never know.
No one will.
Because it isn't real.
...

No.
Nope.
Nu-uh.
No.
I refuse.
........
Okay, I give up!
It is takeing too much energy for me to smile.
So, no more fake Hope. I'm just not going to smile or laugh anymore.

Everyone will ask questions. It will be such a burden. But I will ignore their silly questions, and their obstructive thoughts behind my back.

Goodbye, smile.
Don't come back soon.

I miss him.
Still.
After all this time.
After all this pain.
Something is wrong with me.
I'm still cutting.
I'm still throwing up my food.
I have been getting kicked out of house a lot lately, and I don't cre, I actually hope and pray that I freeze to death.
I am such a failure.
I stopped trying.
I gave up.
I couldn't help it...
I was being driven to insantity.
So, here I am.
With scars all over my...

I don't think I am strong.
I seriously doubt the whole concept.
I cry everyday when I am home.
Nothing goes right.
I seriously can't go left.
I'm screwed up.
But I am trying.
I suppose that is what you call "strong"

But I'm not.

imagesCAQVIAUE.jpg

I can't take this.
I have been single. And sure,now, nothing is wrong.
That's what it should be anyway...
But I want a guy.
I know, I'm waiting.
Waiting for it to "just happen"
But I'm afraid.
I am absolutely terrified....
That I am going to end up alone.
I wish when I had Bryan I had such knowledge I have now..
Then Bryan and I could have been perfect.
But that is all over now.
Alex is over.
Nolan...