Both good and bad at once. (Triggering in some spots)

The last time I visited with my APRN was right before winter break began. She wanted to assess how I was doing because she recently upped my dose of Zoloft to what people normally are on when they start noticing improval. Except I was feeling like absolute shit due to PMS, being a bit ill, and my roommate keeping me up all night so she couldn't really accurately assess how I was doing. She did give me one of those sheets to fill out to ask how often I felt symptoms such as being worthless, or a failure and how often I thought of doing things like harming myself, and I guess I did a bit better on that.

I also have a counsellor there. Except she was a graduate intern so she graduated and I'm getting moved to another counsellor there. I'm kind of really nervous about it, because while the grad intern was really nice and I like her as a person she wasn't really effective and I don't like the APRN at all because our personalities just clash. So I'm scared of seeing this one and I'm scared that I won't know what to say because things haven't been GOING on in my life lately, but right now I feel kind of bad anyway. How do I explain feeling bad when I don't even know WHY I'm feeling bad? It's not like I can say "I'm feeling sad because ---" because NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING. Things have been GREAT lately and YES I can say I have been happy, but even though there's the happy, there's the lingering sad right behind it.

I climbed out of an episode of what I felt to be depression right before I visited my APRN (except for that sick day, but anyone would feel bad on a day like that!) but I didn't have the energy to tell her. I was feeling godawful nauseous and tired and just wanted to take a shower and take a nap. So I wasn't entirely honest with her and while I do regret that I really couldn't sit in that room. So, sorry guys for not being really honest but I didn't want a long discussion, not that day.

But I'm still getting urges. I wake up feeling really heavy sometimes and it drags on throughout the day, I still feel heavy now. I just want to cut myself really bad, I think just to see the blood more than anything and maybe see if I can bleed out some of this heavy feeling, even for a little while. I've also had moments where I feel like crying for no real reason. I don't end up crying though.

I think some of the stress and worry I got with the anxiety is starting to come back a little like before too. I'm starting to fixate on things again and stress on things when they're not important yet. I even got anxious about making a phone call to somewhere that I've called many times before.

I've been feeling really fat and insecure about myself too. I bought some gym pants and decided that I am going to join the school's gym when I get back to school. I am also going to have my brother in law use his guest pass during winter break so he can teach me how to use gym equipment. I've been snacking and eating a lot more than normal lately and all I can think of is how much weight I'm going to gain. I keep telling myself that when I start working out I am going to try and restrict a bit and skip meals, but I don't know if I actually will.

I am also very antsy and restless due to it being winter break. I can't just sit and BE. I always have to be DOING something or else I get all antsy and low feeling. And it can't be just talking to people. I have to be doing what I deem to be productive like all the time. I can't stop. I am excited for Christmas because I really want to see my niece open presents, but I also really want to go back to school. I was looking forward to break but now that it's here I'm like meh. I can't sit still through a TV show. I can't even really listen to music anymore. I haven't been able to sit still through reading a book in a while. I don't like living in the DORMS, but I LOVE school now that I am in college. I love going to class and learning and doing clubs and hanging out with people. I have things to do a lot. Here, not so much. And my mom's car is broken too so even if I wanted to ask her to take me somewhere she couldn't. How do I learn to just BE?

I don't know, I'm just in a weird spot right now I guess, where I'm kind of both good and bad at once.