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this is dumb

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Posted December 29th 2017 at 01:57 AM by Jess~

for awhile i didn't feel like i was getting much out of this forum, so i looked for other emotional support forums. i found one that i really liked, it was really clean and easy to use, but it was kind of a free for all. it wasn't heavily moderated like TH, but i didn't care at the time.

on that forum i made a post talking about the back and forth mentality i had with my abusive relationship, and how i was struggling so much with knowing he was a terribly toxic person to have in my life, but somehow still caring and wanting to "fix him" and make it work so badly.
there is a user on that forum, supposedly a woman in her 50s. on that post she basically said that she was going to say i had lost my mind until she realized how young i was. upon finding out my age, she continued to pretty much tell me how immature, naive, and stupid i am and that i'll just have to keep blindly going out there, letting people take advantage of me, until it finally clicks in my head that i'm an idiot. that's not word for word, but she did use those same insults.
multiple users called out her language and tone, saying she was being too aggressive and pretty offensive too. i even called her out, claiming that i'm not just some stupid little girl and that i actually try to think things out and make the best decision possible for all people involved. that was the very reason i was posting about it, because i obsess so much over what the "right" thing to do is, and i'm so afraid that every little decision will affect my life indefinitely. i admitted that i definitely lack the same perspective that she has gained over the years, and because of that i probably did submit myself to riskier situations. but it hurt to literally be told i was stupid on a forum meant for support.
after i stood up to her, she did back down and apologize "if i felt offended". and i let it go.

but the other day, i posted again about an entirely different issue. it's become an issue that i don't even feel comfortable discussing anymore, because i've been made to feel like i'm so stupid. i will say that it does pertain to sexual assault. now, this same user took it upon herself to victim blame me like there's no tomorrow. one of the phrases she used was, "at least you had the courage to ask him to use a condom, just like a big girl!" she also said things like "whiny little baby", "you just like to play this perpetual victim" and other wild assumptions and degrading remarks about my character. she also used that issue to reinstate how she was right about how immature, naive, and stupid i am.
yet again, many other users started calling her out for how offensive she was being. every time someone called her out, she lashed out with even more vile and hurtful language, but not towards them, it was all still directed at me, even though i hadn't responded yet.
finally i replied, saying how i regretted ever posting about it, and that i was sorry for coming on a site meant for support and foolishly believing that i would be treated with respect.
after i said that, this user made her usual routine of retreating and saying how she would never disrespect another person and that no disrespectful language had been used throughout the entire thread. (i'm just now realizing how much like gaslighting that sounds like. isn't that funny?)

i reported her and got an email that the mods were looking into my report. her more offensive posts on my thread have been deleted now, though not all of them have so it looks like she still isn't banned.
when i called out her method of "support" in the past post, she said she was just a very blunt person. but i think that bluntness and constructive criticism can still be delivered in a decent and respectful way. she certainly didn't need to add in absolutely all of the colorfully worded insults she incorporated into her "support".

it's stupid how much this has affected me. people always say "cyberbullying" is such a stupid thing, because you can just turn off your computer or not go on the site anymore. and that is true, and i don't consider this cyberbullying. but i definitely feel like i have been a bit bullied in a way. it especially stings because it was on an issue that i have mulled over and processed by myself for months now, and this was the very first time i have ever shared it with someone asking for an outside opinion. but now i feel ashamed if i even think about that issue. i was going to contact a sexual assault hotline about the issue, but now i feel too stupid to even do that. this woman has made me believe that it's a stupid thing and that i'm stupid for even bringing it up.
i don't know, just had to rant. i know this probably sounds really immature and dumb, like i'm just an emotionally fragile child who needs to be coddled, and i ventured out of the safe space that is TH (gotta say i now have a new appreciation for how amazing everyone here is <3) into the big, bad, scary world with mean words and i got hurt. but i don't know. i guess i just expected something different, especially of an elderly, wiser person (who is also, to my horror, a social worker. which means that she deals with struggling people constantly. god i hope she doesn't have the courage to say those things to people's faces.)

so yeah, if anything good has come out of this experience, it's that i have a new appreciation for teen help and all the beautiful, compassionate people that make it a great site.
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  1. Old Comment
    MsNobleEleanor's Avatar
    Sexual assault isn't stupid and I am sorry you had to deal with someone who is vile when you only wanted support. You matter and what happened to you matters and you spoke about it. Don't stop reaching out because it's important to get the support and care you need and deserve.

    You can always post on TeenHelp anytime or message me anytime. TeenHelp is focused on positive environments and not about name calling, that is why it's so welcoming and such a warm place to be.

    If you need anything you can reach out to me or anyone that you feel comfortable with.

    You matter.
    Posted December 30th 2017 at 02:45 AM by MsNobleEleanor MsNobleEleanor is offline
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