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i don't think i can go on much longer

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Posted May 30th 2018 at 09:18 AM by Jess~

i don't even know where to start. i feel like my end is approaching soon. ther'es reallly no point to any of this.

despite the many posts i made about him, celebrating that i broke up with him once and for all, i'm still with the boyfriend who was/is abusive and was homeless for a few months.

he's not homeless anymore because i gave him $300 to help pay for an apartment. i thought that maybe our relationship probelms came from all the stress that him being homeless put on both of us.

i was wroong. he still hurts me and threatnes to hurt me. i started cutting again after a year of being clean. i tried talking to him about it and he told me to cut the "right" way instead.. to kill myself. he came over today and i told him i wasn't serious about cutting, and he said that was too bad because he had a lot of jokes to make about me for cutting.

speaking of him coming over, he's not even allowed to come over. i was high and he invited himself over to have sex with me. it's scary but i really don't remember doing it. he kept slapping me in the face though, and he got on top of me and pinned me down. i kept telling him to stop hitting me and he said, "there's nothing you can do about it." which is what my rapist said to me before i was raped.

i want to throw up when i think of my boyfriend touching me. i can't believe i let him ever touch me. i don't want him. i hate him.

but i don't know what's holding me back from breaking up with him.
i'm partially scared he won't ever stop coming back. i think part of me feels like i just need to make the best of what we have, because i'm never getting rid of him.

he also just got in a car accident, no insurance, and won't have the rent money for his apartment. so it seem slike he's going to be homeless again (i tried telling him to at least talk to the landlords and let them know the situation and try to make a deal of some kind.. it's not an official apartment it's just a room in someone's house.) but he's so stubborn he never listens to anyu of my ideas.

i do'nt feel like i'm real.
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