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there's nowhere for me to go

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Posted May 30th 2018 at 09:31 AM by Jess~

another thought

there's just nowhere for me to go where i can be happy again. i've felt like this for maybe 2-3 months now. probably longer if i'm really being honest with myself. it seem slike i've been continuously sad since i was 12. i am definitely depressed. my doctor thought i was bipolar too. i don't know where to go to get diagnosed but i want to know what the fuck is wrong in my head.

there's nowhere i can go away to. i'm afraid that even if i started over somewhere new, it wouldn't change the pointlessness i feell about life. there is no good reason for me to be here. if my family wasn't here i would definitely try to die. it's just not worth this shit anymore.

i'm in a job i hate, working to pay for the college that i hate going to. i have no fucking clue what i'm even doing in college, because there's no career that i'm even interested in pursuing. so i'm working hard in a job i don't want to do, so i can work hard in a school i don't want to be in, so that i can work hard in a profession that i don't want to do for the rest of my life until i die.

it's so stupid and i want out. i don't remember signing this shitty contract of life.

i didn't choose to be born. especially not to be born as this disgusting person.

i have lost everyone i ever considered a best friend. i realized that i'm numb to new people. every time i feel like i'm getting too close or too personal with a new person, i'll make a shitty joke to distract from a personal topic. or i'll avoid them until the closeness isn't too close anymore. and i know that all edgy teenagers claim to have trust issues and deep issues with getting close to people. but this is a surprise to me, that it's happening to me. i don't choose to feel this gross feeling about getting close to people. i feel so uncomfortable when i realize a person is getting close to me on a personal level. it's like this feeling is so ingrained in me i can't even think of a rational reason why i should get close to this person. i'm literally just going to lose them too.

there is no point.

i just deleted the man i was in llove with for three years from my social media. i thought he was my best friend. he gave me all these hopes for my future, and he was the reason i set goals for myself. i had dreams of seeing him at the altar and watching our kids grow up with him. sometimes i feel like i'm still in love with him. i'm still so angry at him and i wish his girlfriend would die. how could he literally promise me everything i ever wanted and then "forget" it. he only promised me all that because he was fighting with his girlfriend and thought they would break up. he still cheats on her with dozens of other girls. i don't know why the fuck i ever thought someone saw something special in me, out of all people.

i wonder how long it's going to take him to realize i'm gone.
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