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"And how's your granddad doing? I haven't seen him in a while."
Posted October 8th 2010 at 03:12 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
We're having a 'family night' tonight.
Random food, games and maybe watching some of the video footage we took on holiday.
I'm not fooled.
I know why they're doing this. And in some ways, it makes it worse.
They're trying to compensate for disappointment and show what they mean when they say that we have to stick together as a family.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling disappointed. It feels more like there's a huge part of me that's just... gone.
And it's not coming back.
I'm actually glad I never rewrote that letter to my granddad, I'm glad I never sent it. I don't want to know what the response would have been.
He wants nothing to do with us. He's gone and we're not getting him back. If something happens to him and none of this has been resolved, I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The only positive thing is that Michael can finally see what she's really like. He knows my grandfather would never act this way. He knows she's obviously been saying things to him that we don't know about. She's making it seem as though we're the bad guys.
I just wish they knew the full extent of what she did.
What she's still doing.
What it does when she shows up in my dreams at night. That feeling of entrapment when it honestly feels like I'm stuck in her games again with no way out.
The only way any of them would even consider speaking to us again, would be if we went, hands up with a little white flag, and apologised. Except that my parents don't know what they have to apologise for.
They have nothing they need to feel guilty over.
But I do.
And I want so badly to apologise to him. If only they'd let me.
Such a coward. I'm too afraid to go back to that house, even if she wasn't there.
But I'm not angry with her. Or with any of them. I won't let her take over my emotions and beat me like that.
What hurts the most is that he agreed with her.
When she called me "queerie" (weird, basically) he agreed.
When she said that I basically had no right to be on the alter at church because I was questioning my religion, he agreed.
I don't want to know whether he agreed with her blackmailing me over the self harm. I don't want to know if he agrees with her that my parents are bad parents.
He's made his decision, and if he honestly believes that she was right, then I don't think I even want to see him again, knowing that he thinks that.
I just need to find a way to get to the stage where I'm actually okay with that.
Random food, games and maybe watching some of the video footage we took on holiday.
I'm not fooled.
I know why they're doing this. And in some ways, it makes it worse.
They're trying to compensate for disappointment and show what they mean when they say that we have to stick together as a family.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling disappointed. It feels more like there's a huge part of me that's just... gone.
And it's not coming back.
I'm actually glad I never rewrote that letter to my granddad, I'm glad I never sent it. I don't want to know what the response would have been.
He wants nothing to do with us. He's gone and we're not getting him back. If something happens to him and none of this has been resolved, I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The only positive thing is that Michael can finally see what she's really like. He knows my grandfather would never act this way. He knows she's obviously been saying things to him that we don't know about. She's making it seem as though we're the bad guys.
I just wish they knew the full extent of what she did.
What she's still doing.
What it does when she shows up in my dreams at night. That feeling of entrapment when it honestly feels like I'm stuck in her games again with no way out.
The only way any of them would even consider speaking to us again, would be if we went, hands up with a little white flag, and apologised. Except that my parents don't know what they have to apologise for.
They have nothing they need to feel guilty over.
But I do.
And I want so badly to apologise to him. If only they'd let me.
Such a coward. I'm too afraid to go back to that house, even if she wasn't there.
But I'm not angry with her. Or with any of them. I won't let her take over my emotions and beat me like that.
What hurts the most is that he agreed with her.
When she called me "queerie" (weird, basically) he agreed.
When she said that I basically had no right to be on the alter at church because I was questioning my religion, he agreed.
I don't want to know whether he agreed with her blackmailing me over the self harm. I don't want to know if he agrees with her that my parents are bad parents.
He's made his decision, and if he honestly believes that she was right, then I don't think I even want to see him again, knowing that he thinks that.
I just need to find a way to get to the stage where I'm actually okay with that.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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I love you, princess. <3Posted October 8th 2010 at 04:55 PM by Bibliophile
