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I see trees of green, red roses too.
Posted March 8th 2012 at 08:31 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Updated May 21st 2012 at 09:07 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Updated May 21st 2012 at 09:07 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Spent the night and most of today freaking out because I was dreaming that a girl I used to be friends with had her hands all over me and was trying to kiss me when I clearly didn't want her to. I spent my whole dream running from her and woke up feeling like I'd just run a marathon. Been jumping and freaking at every little noise in case it's her.
I don't know why, I haven't seen or heard from her in two years. Not since she lied about being raped and came out as lesbian two months before moving in with her boyfriend. It just scared me. I'm now afraid to go and hug my parents good night because I'd rather no one touched me for the time being.
I spent half an hour on the Wii Fit this morning and according to its numbers anyway, burned a really disappointing amount of calories for how exhausted I was at the end of it. But I'm hoping if I can just do a half hour every weekday, I'll build up a bit, tone where I'm insecure, and lose just a couple pounds till I feel a bit happier. I'm even being realistic this time. Realistic goals, lots of fruit, newfound love of cranberry juice. Hoping I can do it right.
Been talking about the future a bit tonight. I'm struggling with that a lot more than I first realised. All I can see is me fucking up more and never being able to do anything right. Because that's all it's ever been. Even when I think I have it right, something either goes wrong, or someone points out something wrong.
Even just TALKING to people. I'm not doing a good job of that seeing as I never told anyone about everything under my pillow. Not that there's anyone I can tell. Person number one I just feel weird opening up to, person number two I don't trust as far as I can spit anymore, person number three, and four, and probably five, would tell my parents. No one seems to understand that when my parents know these things, it just gets worse. Nothing is worse for me than when I have my parents or godmother sitting me down and trying to talk to me. I just can't do it. And no one seems to get that.
So that leaves me alone in my room, trying to not cry in case someone hears me, scared at every little noise, thinking way too much, and getting extremely annoyed with this stupid headache I've had since Monday.
Fml.
I don't know why, I haven't seen or heard from her in two years. Not since she lied about being raped and came out as lesbian two months before moving in with her boyfriend. It just scared me. I'm now afraid to go and hug my parents good night because I'd rather no one touched me for the time being.
I spent half an hour on the Wii Fit this morning and according to its numbers anyway, burned a really disappointing amount of calories for how exhausted I was at the end of it. But I'm hoping if I can just do a half hour every weekday, I'll build up a bit, tone where I'm insecure, and lose just a couple pounds till I feel a bit happier. I'm even being realistic this time. Realistic goals, lots of fruit, newfound love of cranberry juice. Hoping I can do it right.
Been talking about the future a bit tonight. I'm struggling with that a lot more than I first realised. All I can see is me fucking up more and never being able to do anything right. Because that's all it's ever been. Even when I think I have it right, something either goes wrong, or someone points out something wrong.
Even just TALKING to people. I'm not doing a good job of that seeing as I never told anyone about everything under my pillow. Not that there's anyone I can tell. Person number one I just feel weird opening up to, person number two I don't trust as far as I can spit anymore, person number three, and four, and probably five, would tell my parents. No one seems to understand that when my parents know these things, it just gets worse. Nothing is worse for me than when I have my parents or godmother sitting me down and trying to talk to me. I just can't do it. And no one seems to get that.
So that leaves me alone in my room, trying to not cry in case someone hears me, scared at every little noise, thinking way too much, and getting extremely annoyed with this stupid headache I've had since Monday.
Fml.
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Posted March 8th 2012 at 11:08 PM by Storyteller.
