I'm trying to keep smiling and happy and all that other festive shit. Really, I am.
Just feels like so much pressure. Don't be at all bothered by that horrible dream, just get on with the day. Clean up, eat, breathe, wash, work. Do everything that needs done.
Come about 4pm it's like everything just slows down and there's nothing left to do.
There's a card for my grandad outside my room for my brother and I to sign. Dad wants us both to walk down and give it to him. I don't...

Been laying in bed for the past half hour thinking.
I'm absolutely dreading college tomorrow. And today for that matter but tomorrow is worse. Clearly I'm just being pathetic though, as always.
That's me, the useless waste of space who can't even handle a full day at college. Spends the mornings wanting to cry, cut, overdose, lie, jump in front of a car, fake illness, anything to avoid college. Tried talking about it and everyone just assumes it'll be fine once I get there. It's worse....

I have this sitting beside me right now. My brother and I are splitting on the price of that and some wine to give to my dad for Christmas. Inside you fill out every day the date and time, duration, unusual characteristics, and draw a picture of your poo. I think he'll like it. You even get a cool poo fact for every day and there's loads of interesting information at the start of the book. Consider this my revenge for...

Was supposed to be going to Asda around now to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two on DVD. But I just called the store and they said they won't have it till the morning.
I won't have time to watch it if I get it in the morning. I've got a driving lesson just before 12, a psych appointment then at half 2. I don't want to wait till 4 to watch it, that's ages.
I'm also working tomorrow night so I'll probably be just as exhausted as I am now by this time tomorrow.
...

Feels somewhat significant. I'm not sure why.
Honestly I think I'm just counting the days till I get to 15. I only promised to get as far as that.

I've tried so hard not to give in up till now, this time next week I can do what I like. No more promises.

I'm just not ready to give up yet.

I'm sorry.

I remembered something randomly at college today and it's been bothering me all day.
Before we started high school, my cousin told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone at the new school we were cousins. When I asked her why she just shrugged and said "I don't want them to know I'm related to someone so weird."

I've never been good at talking to people or making the first move. 9 times out of 10 I make friends with the wrong people and end up getting myself hurt. At...

It's time for me to get up. I can't even begin to express how much I don't want to. But thanks to my unconscious mind I'm now terrified to be home alone.
I had a dream last night that I was in my old house alone when I saw someone outside the window. They saw me looking at them and started looking for things to throw. Brick at the window. I ran upstairs and hid ouside my room, the only place in the house I thought was safe. Locked myself in the bathroom with my phone and tried to call the...

I'm so tired. I woke up this morning and wanted to cry. Didn't make it into class. Checked this week's work and did in the silent study room off the 3rd floor library. Finished early and went home.
My brother's been off sick all week, I'm worried about him. He's been getting headaches for a while but Monday he said he had a bad headache, was dizzy, and felt sick. The doctor checked him over and couldn't find anything wrong, but he has some pills to take with paracetamol/ibuprofen every few...

Really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I worked so hard on my 8 page booklet for college and took it through for mum and dad to look at to see if they thought anything needed changed, mum just got mad at me asking why I'm trying so hard if I don't even want to be doing the course anyway. This morning she was texting me telling me she didn't want me falling behind.
I don't know what I want to do after this year. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't see anything...