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I just need help....

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Posted June 18th 2011 at 07:04 AM by Lovespentinthedark
Updated July 20th 2011 at 06:50 AM by Lovespentinthedark

So, I was addicted to cutting from 7th grade until 11th (I just ended my Junior year), but in January I went to the hospital for trying to kill myself. I went again in March because the week I spent in January didn't do much good and I tried to kill myself again, but this time I asked for help before I cut too deep. I have ugly scars all up and down my arms and legs and I hate them. I haven't cut since April, though, which is a big thing for me. Over the past few weeks, my dad and I have been fighting a lot lately (he is a major trigger for me, as I grew up with him having Intermittent Explosive Disorder), which usually leads me to cut. The past few weeks, I've been wanting to do it more and more until tonight, when I had the blade in my hand. I wear board shorts in the summer when I swim so nobody sees my legs, which is where I did it for the past 2 years. The first 2 years, I did it on my arms. I just can't get the thought of cutting out of my head. Lately, I've just been scratching myself or poking my arms with needles which helps because I am addicted to the pain. I love to see the blood and feel the pain. I am sick and twisted, I know. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, a mental health social worker (or whatever they're called, she comes to my house) and an in-home therapist (who also comes to my house once a week). If I didn't agree to the last two doctors, I was going to be sent to Minneapolis for treatment, and I didn't want to go anywhere else. I hated the hospital enough as it is. I just can't get the fucking idea of cutting out of my damn head, which makes me feel guilty and hate myself, which makes me want to fucking cut more. I've also been thinking about death a lot lately and I've been thinking of how my funeral would go and all that stuff. Before I went to the hospital, I bought myself a dress that I was going to have my parents put me in for my funeral (I was going to leave a note, obviously). I still have the dress, and I tried it on a few days ago, and it is too big on me now because I have lost weight from not eating. I don't eat when I'm stressed. I just can't fucking take this anymore. If anyone is reading this, would you please PM me or something? I just really need someone to talk to. The only person I talk to about any of this is my loving, wonderful boyfriend, but he worries about me enough as it is. We have been together for 2 1/2 years. He is leaving in September for the Marines, so he also has his own stuff to worry about, so I try not to bother him with this (he would not be happy with me saying that!). Just someone, please, talk to me. I really need some help and this time I'm asking for it before I try to kill myself. Please. Thank you.
Posted in Recovery
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  1. Old Comment
    Euphoria's Avatar
    I'm here for you sweet. Message me whenever <3 xxxx
    Posted June 18th 2011 at 12:22 PM by Euphoria Euphoria is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Victoria ♥'s Avatar
    I'm here if you ever want to talk <33
    You don't have to go through this on your own, i'm sorry you feel so bad.
    Posted June 18th 2011 at 04:28 PM by Victoria ♥ Victoria ♥ is offline
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