So far today has been really good. I met my little sister Ally for the first time, my parents gave her up when she was born. She is the cutest little kid. She has this moose thing and we played "dress up" with that for awhile. I'm trying to actually build a relationship with her because she is my sister. I didn't tell her about my brother or my dad, she's only nine.

so i have been thinking alot about everything everyone has said and i want to thank you for taking the time to just say hi. i have also thought again about how much i want to die. i'm ready to say good bye. yesterday i attempted to overdose, i took 2 caffeine pills, 6 tylenol, 5 benadryl, 2 nyquil, and 3 aspirin. i felt sick and almost puked. i stayed up until 11:30 writing in my journel before the benadryl and nyquil kicked in and i passed out.
i wish to God that it had worked. i prayed...

I went to counseling yesterday. Met the lady who im going to be seeing for 6 or more months. Her name is Jill. she is nice enough. She told me i can't stop going to her unless i stop cutting and havent cut for 6 months.And i have to be happy again. Thats never gonna happen. She asked if i have thought about or attempted suicide i said no. I sort of wish i had told her the truth but i couldnt. She would have to tell my parents. They can't know about it. They wouldnt understand.

I...

I'm struggling so badly right now, I just want to hurt myself, to cut all the pain away. My family is falling apart anyway and to make it worse we found out today that my uncle has cancer, I didn't know what to say or how to react and it made it seem like I didn't care but i really do.
I so pathetic, so stupid >_< Need to hurt...

Right now I wish I had a guitar, actually knew how to play that guitar, and somewhere to go crazy on it. Holy he'll I hate insomnia. I wish I was like my mom who can fall asleep at 8:00pm. There are so many things I want to do, I wish I would just stay motivated enough to actually do them. I need some inspiration, I hate writers block O.O I said hate alot here xP well I love the night, music, and my friend. Casey I hope things get better with Alex sorry I am completely random ...

Really freaking sharp stabbing pain in my chest.
God.
Fucking hurts.
I lay down and it was like like "Oh wow my bed is so com- *STABBA* MOTHEROFDONKEYSHITTITWANKBOLLOCKS! "

Almost crying with the pain.
Couldn't breathe.
Still hurts but not as much as it did and not as constant. Just like little sharp stabs. Is okay when I'm sat up. Scared to lie down.
Making me panic.

Really not in the mood for a hospital visit tonight....

I don't know anything anymore. I want to give up. I've been thinking and i just think that it would be so much better for everyone.

Just want these thoughts to go away. Want someone to hold me.

I've got more pills and so many reasons to take them.
Can't do this anymore.

Fuck...
I've just been told that all through October we have £114 to spend on food, petrol and anything else we need like train tickets...
We have £10 max to spend on food a week and I can't run or anything because we need to save the petrol...
Aparently we have to have either cereal or toast (I don't even like the latter) for tea at least every other night and I might not even be allowed fruit in the morning...
It's times like these that I hate my Dad... When it's his fault...

Feeling lonely
Not even sure why...
I just want to be around people...
Friends...
Well just this one friend, C...
I think she's beautiful...
She's my best friend in my head...
Although I think she prefers the others to me...
Or at least likes us equal...
I wish she liked me the most...
I wish I just had a pal here...
Someone to talk to and stuff...
Oh Well... I guess being lonely is the consequence of being an only child...