Well, it's been a while. I missed TH hopefully I'll be on more...

I'd been doing okay-ish (okay enough i guess). I have so much mental bullshit going on at all times I don't even think that I coulit's d be doing better than okay. Its all just fucking debilitating. I'd been making it through, i'll put it that way. Today suddenly though, i'm drowning. I haven't felt like this in months. My urges are through the roof, worse than they've been in ages. so bad that i wish i could just give...

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73 days without cutting. longer than i've made it in probably over 2 years.. and yet i'm starting not to care if i relapse anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still pretty damn proud, but i just feel so shitty and of course the addiction kicks in and reminds me that cutting will help. the urges keep getting worse everyday and i don't think i can go much longer, honestly.

being constantly worried about a friend doesn't help either.. lets just call her M. M lives really close to me and

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this whole week has just been shit. on thursday someone at school decided to throw a huge chunk of ice/ snow at me on purpose, so then i proceeded to have a panic attack in front of my entire class. couldn't stop crying. then my moms been in a weird mood all week and i just want to be alone.

yesterday I stole a bunch of pills from my mom (i was home alone), most likely enough to be fatal. I was so fucking close to taking them, then my best friend texted me and i told her what i was...

well my life has gotten even worse, if thats at all possible.

my friend A tried to kill himself on thursday and is now in the hospital. i found out yesterday at school and managed not to sob until i got home. when i got home i couldn't stop crying, i haven't cried that much in years.

even though that hurt me so much to hear that, i was still suicidal yesterday. i don't get why really, why do i want to do something that i was just on the opposite side of. i hate myself...

i don't even know how i feel right now.. nor do i know why i'm really writing this. so many ups and downs that its all a jumble. last week i cut worse than i had in a while and i think it might be infected, i put antibiotic on it but its not gonna heal for a while.

the only thing that keeps me sane right now if music. everything else makes me anxious , i don't know why.. i feel as if i'm on the verge of a panic attack all the time.

i've learned recently that anyone...

Everyone keeps saying "oh it'll get better" and i just think thats bullshit because it never will for me. I will always be fucked up. I've realized that, truthfully, i don't see myself living past 2014. i really don't. I just wish that it would be from a non self inflicted cause because maybe it won't hurt everyone as much but then i don't want it to be from anything other than my self because it seems worse to me.

I thought the panic attacks were done, but then guess

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