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this is all a mess (trig)

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Posted February 2nd 2014 at 03:31 AM by Lumos.

well my life has gotten even worse, if thats at all possible.

my friend A tried to kill himself on thursday and is now in the hospital. i found out yesterday at school and managed not to sob until i got home. when i got home i couldn't stop crying, i haven't cried that much in years.

even though that hurt me so much to hear that, i was still suicidal yesterday. i don't get why really, why do i want to do something that i was just on the opposite side of. i hate myself for that. i am so fucking glad that he is okay.

i was so close to killing myself yesterday, i don't know what stopped me, i just sorta sat there and cried until i felt completely numb. after a while i realized that i was sitting in the dark and had been for over an hour. i don't remember that hour at all.. that scares me. thats never happened to me. just completely forgot what happened.. i'm scared that it will happen again when someone is around.
i still feel so numb. i don't even know what to write. i just feel lost and don't really wanna go on with anything really.
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  1. Old Comment
    Ennui.'s Avatar
    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I can't even imagine what that must be like, that's so, so scary. I'm really glad he is okay too and hope that maybe this will help him get some help.

    I don't think you can necessarily help that the thoughts are still popping into your mind even after that, but something DID stop you and that is important. Maybe unconsciously it's the thought of knowing how it would feel to others if they knew you attempted suicide, or maybe it's another invisible force, but either way, that force means something and I'm glad you didn't go through with suicide.
    permalink
    Posted February 2nd 2014 at 11:19 PM by Ennui. Ennui. is offline
 
 
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