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This Time Last Year (Might be Triggering)

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Posted August 23rd 2014 at 03:57 PM by Lumos.

73 days without cutting. longer than i've made it in probably over 2 years.. and yet i'm starting not to care if i relapse anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still pretty damn proud, but i just feel so shitty and of course the addiction kicks in and reminds me that cutting will help. the urges keep getting worse everyday and i don't think i can go much longer, honestly.

being constantly worried about a friend doesn't help either.. lets just call her M. M lives really close to me and we've gotten to be really good friends. she has mental issues as well and in the past 6 months i've seen her slip more and more into depression and self destruction. recently its been really bad for her, and last weekend she told me that she almost killed herself and that she almost had to be taken to a mental hospital after she told her therapist, and i knew that she'd been having suicidal thoughts but she didn't tell me that she almost did it. i started crying and hugged her and i asked her if she planned to do it still and she said yes. that is one of the hardest things to hear from someone who you care a lot about. I told her i wish that i could stop her from doing it but i knew theres nothing i can do to stop her if she has her mind set on it. sure i could tell the police or her parents but i know from feeling the same way as she does that if someone did that to me i'd be pissed. so i don't know what to do other than hope shes alive everyday. which is exactly what i'm doing right now because she was supposed to text me yesterday and she never replied. maybe i just worry too easily.

its funny how much can change in a year. this time last year, the person who now looks at me like i'm trash was my best friend and i thought it would stay that way. this time last year i was homesick for where i used to live and i still am now although before i wanted to move back and now i have to stay here for my friends. this time last year i was afraid of people judging me for my sexuality, my scars, and me; now i'm almost completely out, i wear short sleeves to school and really don't give a shit anymore. i have better friends than i've ever had right now, but some how my mentality still holds me down.
i just wish i was happier
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  1. Old Comment
    Ennui.'s Avatar
    You are doing really great for making it 73 days! You may be starting not to care if you relapse or not, but I think that the fact that you have made it 73 days shows that you really are strong and CAN make it through. You must have done something to cope in these 73 days, maybe you can try to use those methods to your advantage.

    I know that you would be angry if someone told someone else about your thoughts, but I think that it still would be okay to tell someone about this. I think the thing is, we don't want to see someone else suffer the same way we are and will do anything to help them, even if we don't help ourselves, if that makes sense and in a way, I think that if you DON'T say something and something happens, there may be a sense of guilt. That could be just my opinion anyway.

    I would be worried too, though, if I were in your shoes, and I hope that she will answer you soon.

    You're right, a lot can change in a year! But, maybe things will start to change positive, too, since change can happen fast :hug; You won't be held down forever.
    Posted August 24th 2014 at 03:43 AM by Ennui. Ennui. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Skyline's Avatar
    Hi, I also have a couple of friends who used to self harm, and I can kind of understand the satisfaction you'd get from it. 73 days is great, in fact it's awesome, but it's a shame you don't care anymore. I often get random spurts of sadness and anger and whatnot, and I find the best way to deal with it is to cry, scream, punch a cushion and just let it all out until it's over. So try and find your own way to express and free your thoughts and feelings without harming yourself, just try it. Good luck with that, sorry I can't be of more help...
    Posted August 26th 2014 at 10:35 AM by Skyline Skyline is offline
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