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uhm..(trig. suicide)

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Posted March 15th 2014 at 09:31 PM by Lumos.

this whole week has just been shit. on thursday someone at school decided to throw a huge chunk of ice/ snow at me on purpose, so then i proceeded to have a panic attack in front of my entire class. couldn't stop crying. then my moms been in a weird mood all week and i just want to be alone.

yesterday I stole a bunch of pills from my mom (i was home alone), most likely enough to be fatal. I was so fucking close to taking them, then my best friend texted me and i told her what i was about to do and she freaked out and made her promise not take them right then. I couldn't stop sobbing then and she calmed me down a bit. I'm home alone again tonight, i could so easily just end it. i don't know what to do. i just want to destroy myself and have no one give a shit. it'd be so much easier if i didn't have to think of how people will react. i know my best friend would be heart broken, and maybe my parents. the bullshit people at my school wouldn't give a damn. they hate me. I keep going back and forth between living and dying, and i hate it. I don't care what even happens i just want it all to go away. if i lived then all of the voices would have to go away, the thoughts, all the weight that is always on my shoulders..

i haven't cut in a little over a month. i was trying so hard to get better during that month. was distracting myself if i got an urge, keeping myself busy, just trying. over the past 4 days i'm mostly given up on that, somehow i still haven't hurt myself though. i don't even plan on stopping myself when the urge comes, i want to rip my leg open, i need the pain. I deserve it. it might stop me from seriously putting myself in danger.
my mom still doesn't notice how much pain i'm in. still wearing long sleeves but its getting warmer, i'll be screwed soon. especially for spring break. i wish i could wear short sleeves. i wish i wasn't so stupid.

i just want to die

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  1. Old Comment
    You could always get arm warmers. I've been wearing arm warmers for the past 2 or 3 years and they cover my arms decently and help keep me cool during the summer months. If you would like the website that I go to to get them I could give it to you or you could just try googling arm warmers and see what comes up.

    As for the pills, I highly encourage you to dump them out. I know that will be hard to do but if you don't have them you will be less likely to act on the thoughts running through your mind. If you have the means to act on the thoughts it is more dangerous, you know?

    Do you think you could tell an adult about how you are feeling? Maybe tell an official at your school or another trusted adult. You deserve to get help for this and telling an adult could help you work on getting that help.

    If you need anything please feel free to message me.
    Posted March 15th 2014 at 10:57 PM by
  2. Old Comment
    Ennui.'s Avatar
    I'm really glad you didn't end up taking the pills and that you told your friend what was going to happy. I think you should get them back to your mom or at least get rid of them so you don't take them. I think that if even any part of you is going towards living, you should hang on.

    I think that even though your mom doesn't notice, you should really tell her. I think that she DEFINITELY would care if something happened to you and she'd rather know what's going on rather than find you somewhere after taking the pills.

    You can do this.
    Posted March 16th 2014 at 01:07 AM by Ennui. Ennui. is offline
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