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Way too many tears (triggering)

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Posted October 2nd 2014 at 05:30 AM by Lumos.

well today was shit.

my best friend M was forced into a psychiatric ward today because her therapist could tell that she was really suicidal (I already knew that so that wasn't a shock that they put her in there), I got a text and lunch and immediately my eyes welled up and luckily no one gives a shit about me so they didn't say anything. I pushed down tears all day.. I texted her for a bit and she thought she could keep her phone at first because they said she could, but then when she got to the ward they took it. I would have never known if her mom hadn't called and told me, then told me that she put me on the list to be able to talk to her, which made me feel a bit better. Her mom also said that its just me and her on that list which is so nice. My best friend is in the ward for at least 72 hours, then they'll decide if shes safe to go home.
At the end of the phone conversation with M's mom, she told me that M really needs me right now and I told her i'm being there for her as much as I possibly can, and then M's mom said that she knows I need her just as much (M told her mom about me being in about the same boat, which is completely true). And then her mom said that since I can't talk to Molly as much, if I ever need anything to call her. Which was so sweet and i'm still not used to people being nice so its still shocking to me.
I just hope that M feels a little better when she comes out, its all i can ask for,and if not i'll still be there for her just the same.

i'm so fucking suicidal even though my best friend almost fucking killed herself a couple days ago, i hate this so much. I already feel dead and like i'm just kinda on autopilot and doing things because i have to.. I somehow haven't cut in a week but i don't plan on keeping at that. I don't really even care anymore..

I just feel lost and not sure what to do. i have to stay alive for her but its getting harder..
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