I cut the other night. Sitting in the bath, watching the blood run down my arm and mix with the water. It was hypnotising, but the water was red by the time I got out.

He hated that I'd done it. Tried to make me promise I'd never do it again. But I don't know. It would be nice not to have to, but when I get to that stage where my body feels like it's tearing itself apart from the inside, I just don't know what else to do.

Yuu said yuu would be there for me.
everyone said that, but they all left. I never wanted to open up to anyone.....I guess I was a fool, falling for the sweet words yuu whispered in my ears...
such beatuiful lies.
yuu sayed yuud be there but yuu lied too

And guess what? Im just in a "Fukk Yuu!!!" Mood
I have tol many emtions

So surperised I aint sad. Im just fukkinqq mad. I fell it for yuu. Not once, not twice,...

It because I believe everyone has a purpose. Sometimes we dont find it for a while or we loose it. But we always have that reason for a purpose. Thats why miracles happen. Youre just not ready to go yet. Sometimes people have to go to give a person a purpose. So, yes, everyone has a purpose, therefore I believe in everyone. ♥

I feel like shit. Me and my ex are talking and I dont know if to cry, cut or slam my fkking head into a wal
Danqqa.....I want to tell him I love him so fuckong much. I want to beqq for him. Damn it everything is screaming yes Nd everything is screaming no FUCKKKKKKKK UGHHH

If only you could see me now,
the thing ou turned me into,
the image i've been.
If only you could see me now,
the scars of our troubles,
the unrelated sin.
If only you could see me now,
my heart in pieces,
I CANT FIX MYSELF

YOUR F**KING CUTS ARE STILL FRESH AFTER MONTHS. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!

So... Drinking has gotten worse. Had a bad hangover all weekend. I need to stop...But something keeps me in. Just an update I guess but it isn't like people actually read this....

i have a gymnastics evaluation on the 28th, its in 8 dayssss, it means im gonna be starting gymnastics again! yayayyaayyayay iv been wanting to do it again ever since i realized my 7 year old self was stupid for quitting!

The title of this blog can stir quite a bit of controversy, it seems. I have been seeking input with my homelife situation where my Mom spanks me once or twice a week in order to change my behavior. She does this with her open hand palm with both my pants and underwear down. At 16, I have wondered if I am too old for this form of discipline, but spanking has been in our family tradition. Also, my mom's church promotes spanking as a discipline. I've grown up with spanking, and for me, it helps "clean...

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Standing in the road waiting for cars and stuff. It was getting better for a bit, but now I think I'm going downhill again. There was this guy, I think I'm in love with him, but he's abandoned me. He's older than me you see, but we talked all the time and he made me forget about everything, he even made me feel good. Obviously I didn't tell him about my issues, but I think he guessed or something, he avoids me now.
I went on top of the car park...

I renewed this blog.
I made it new, fresh, and strangely reminding me of white, padded rooms, which is not good 'cause those things scare me.
And reminds me that my sister is always saying to my mom in a non joking way, that she needs to get me into one of those rooms. How rude is that?
Anyways, since I last posted, I've given up on fear the obsession. It's more of a cannot forget this now.
Sometimes I wonder if I intentionally trigger myself of that, like smelling...