Something my boyfriend said to me earlier; “Anyone can give up, it's such and easy thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
And i know i should listen and that he is right, but yet i am falling apart, i have broken and i don't know what to do anymore.

I ODed again, I failed..AGAIN! I am so weak, i keep stopping myself and i am so confused with my feelings... i know i should get help, but everything is...

...

I want everything to stop.

I want to give up.

I want to die.

It's time to change Emma, you have been selfish.....No you ARE selfish. I am sick of you moaning. I am sick of you been alive right now. You said to much the other day. You said way to much. From now on whenever anyone asks you say "I AM OK" It's a lie. But you are a lier. You never ever ever let anyone know how bad things are right now.

You are a selfish, useless, fat, ugly, worthless, lying, stupid, weak waste of space, You are horrible and you deserve to die Emma....You...

Well no, not really. My boyfriend has come up with a number of suggestions as to what's wrong with me.

He has suggested bipolar disorder, my mother, stress and brain damage.

At least he made me laugh. After my melt down outside the school gates.

You know when you just don't want to go to sleep?

I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want my exams to be any closer. And I'm sick of trying to be strong.

I want to stay in bed all day. I want to curl up and hide from the world. I want to disappear.

I was feeling ill this morning (I still am) and my boyfriend said he'd look after me. But he didn't. He said he felt fine, it was my turn to be looked after, blah blah blah. And then we argued all day...

I just want to go and leave all this pain behind.. my boyfriend made it quite clear about what he thinks of my personality sometimes, apparantly i am too nice to people and it makes him feel uncomfortable and inscure. I don't know what he wants out of me anymore, he wants to leave this place, start again and be together...he knows i want to finish education and be a doctor, but apparantly i'm being selfish. It is okay for him to tell me how to live my life and he really lets me know what he thinks...

I haven't posted here in a while.

But I'm gonna post again, because Pete said I should keep posting here if it helped me.

I've been having really random mood swings. Like, I'll be lovely and happy and then one tiny trigger, something minor goes wrong or someone says something and I take it the wrong way and my mood drops.

And then I get violent. I attacked J the other day. Amazingly, he still loves me. We've been together a year now. A whole year....

I'm watching Finding Nemo.

"A boat? Hey I've seen a boat! It passed by here not too long ago! ... Hi! I'm Dory."



Also. My arm freaking hurts. Sucks.

Oh. And this makes me laugh.

Haey wassup? My name is Marrabella LillyAndy Love and this is my first blog post on here. I just wanted to talk about discrimination and how diffrent it is in certain senarios. So like what gets on my nerves is that if someone discriminates a race or the color of someones skin everybody will jump out like Woah dude, not cool. But if you discriminate on an emo or different clique ( nerds or emos) then most people will join in and bash them.