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Each day I feel worse... I get closer and closer to cutting and in someways I feel worse than when I was cutting. Nothing feels as good and there's nothing that can get it off my mind. All I want is the blade, it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I have days ahead of me when I'm alone, nobody to stop me, I have to do it alone and I'm not that strong! My life is so screwed up and I don't even know why!

All I can think about is the blade... it's horrid... in the shower, the razor... it just sits and stares at me... I can feel it now even though I'm in the next room... it's pulling me their... Even the blade in my pocket is nagging me to touch it... I need something to make it go away... I need drugs... I need drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to run and escape the house... Day 7... I have to make it to 10... AT LEAST!!!!!!

Threw crap today... came last n got beaten by a 12 year ild or sumthin pathetic... Today is my 6th day of not cutting... I really don't want to break it and I'm dead proud that I'm not even though I desperately want to and everything I see I want to use... I was trying to use my nail earlier but I was smart enough to have them really short and filed so they cant do harm... otherwise I would have... I feel weak yet so strong, I'm keeping my chin up and not thinking about it... I just hope I can last......

There's this girl named Danny, I love her. I love her so much it hurts. Two problems though...I have a girlfriend, and she lives a few states away...Danny...idk if you use this site. but if you do...I love you...a lot...

I don't know what's going through my head most of the time.

I'm scared to tell people how I'm feeling because their problems are so much worse than my supposed ones. I don't want to upset or worry anyone over something that isn't worth a second thought.

I don't like to tell my doctor when it gets worse because I worry she'll think I'm looking for attention. I worry that's what I am doing.

Maybe there's really no problems and I'm just stupid.
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Well today couldn't have been more boring or depressing. It was boring because I have NOTHING to do all day. So, I just ate potato chips and watched t.v. Because I had noting to do all day I stop thinking about the car accident and its still cloudly outside. I also just realized I haven't smiled in weeks.

Saw my doctor yesterday. Was a mess before I left. Couldn't stop crying, eventually attacked my arm with a blade and just put my jacket on. Was too hot so I sat there with my jacket sitting over my arm. Was the only one on the bus, when I checked my arm was a mess and had blood smeared everywhere. Sat with my jacket covering it in front of my doctor while she said that it was her last day until February because she's off on maternity leave. Recommended Doctor G and said that if the pills were working...

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