So I took two months away from Teenhelp and I just don't think I can come back. I thought I was strong enough to do it... but i can't.

So in my journal I would like to say just a few reason why I am leaving... and i wont be back this time.... going to enjoy life without worrying about things.

1. The whole Pro-life/Pro-Choice debate. Okay yes I know I am Pro-life and I am standing strong on this opinion. Why you might add. While let's see... We all do not like suicide...

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Sorry I haven't been posting anything I've been grounded. But anyways. So far this month has started out crappy for many reasons. First, my mom grounded me because I failed a few classes. Then when I went and tried to get the work I was missing or extra credit she wouldn't give it to me so when I came and told my mom she told me I was a liar. Awesome right? So that night I spent the whole night in my room writing about stupid stuff but writing none the less. Then the next day I saw this thing for...

I've been gone again, because a while back, my grandmother died. This has only added to the emotional stress in the house, as well as make my grandfathers heart cold.
Because of the arguements we've been getting in, I've been avoiding this site like the plague in shame of what I've been doing to myself. Its gotten worse. Way worse.
Today, my arms hold bruises from bitemarks, as well as scratches from the sharp edges of broken plastic hangers. Theres also a bleeding scratch on my neck....

i am really thinking about overdosing..i have the pills..my friends would be so mad..but maybe it would just kill me..everyone would probably just be happy that id be gone..i don't know what to do.. i am scared..i thought i was getting happier.but i guess i am so wrong about that..i think i should tell someone. my parents would be so mad. if any one can help,please comment..

Why did i have to wake up today?
I'm so tired of always fighting, always been strong. I don't know how much longer i can do this for. I don't know how much longer i can pretend that i am ok. I just want this all to stop. I feel so useless and alone. I hate it. I hate myself. I destroy everything. Sometimes i wonder if i even deserve to be alive. I mean wouldn't everyone be better off without me? I just make everything worse. I can't do anything right.
I can't face today. My friend needs...

i cut yesterday,and i cut again today..I really want to stop.I just don't know ..its like sometimes i want to stop other times i don't want to stop at all..i really don't know what to do..yesterday for the first time i cut my wrist.it still hurts..i deserve it still hurting though.i also have been thinking about suicide a lot..i know how i might do it.. i really don't know anything anymore..

I hate this right now. I hate how i have become addicted and can't stop. I went and spent £30 on blades today. It was suprisingly easy. There not even supposed to sell them to me yet they did. I wish they didn't :/ I spent my lunch time slicing up my arm. My friend found out and now i'm petrified she's going to tell someone. She said we have to talk tomorrow and her and my other friend need to talk to me seriously about it. I wish they would stop worrying. I'm not worth it. I'm a pathetic mess....

I think today was actually good. Holy crap. I think I'm in shock.
I had to get up early to go into college for an exam. ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS WTF? My brother also had to come with me since I said I'd take him into town after and there was no way I was going to college, going home, picking him up and going back. It's like this:
House----------(25 minutes)-----------College----(10 minutes)----Town
So I just made him get up early and took him with me.
...

Today's been hard. Pulled in to serve at church. Stupid mistake that everyone saw. Just wanted to cut. Had to stop myself from saying it out loud.
Work for 5 hours. So slow. Quiet. Spent most of that time sat on a stool staring at the wall.

Got home and dad reheated dinner. He came into the living room not long after I finished and started shouting and yelling at me for not taking my plate through yet. Apparently I knew he was putting the dishwasher on and deliberately didn't

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My nature is something I hate. Something I try to hide. Something only a few people know. My nature is caring. I care about lots of people and animals. I feel compassion. I put others first. I always have. Even in relationships, if I wanna break up, I don't. Because I know it will hurt the other person. And I can't stand the guilt. Though sometimes...sometimes I snap. And I turn selfish and I yell and scream...it scares me what I'm capable of...