I do voulntary work at a charity shop near my school... It's not that bad but today I finished my usual jobs early and had to help sort out... there was this keyring... a guiniess one and I looked at it, I played with it for a bit and realized it had a small knife in it... nobody was watching me and I slipped it in my pocket... I feel so guilty and I don't know what to do... I've always had urges to steal things and when I was younger I stole things a lot... but what's worse is I'm taking money...

Had placement today. One of the carers said I needed to roll up my sleeves. I said I couldn't. That I couldn't have short sleeves and it was a long story. So she basically reported me to my supervisor. I walked past and they were talking about it. I told him the same thing and he said I could keep the long sleeves as long as they were at my wrist and I kept my hands and wrists clean. I was so scared he'd ask to see my arms and I'd have to tell him. He didn't.
Shona came and we talked

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Grrrr... I'm such an idiot! I was walking to the bus stop and the stress of everything (especially my English stress) was getting to me and I cut on the palm of my hand... it bled for ages which was good and made me feel fresh... but now I have to make sure I keep my hand balled... I mean it's easy to cover but such a pain... and honey/exfoliating is not working!!!!! I guess I'll have to try something else soon...! Life sucks!

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the cuts are getting deeper annd the amount of blood that comes out gets to be more and more each time. nothing seems to be going right annd i cant stop the razor from finding its way back to my wrists annd i cnt stop it from sliding a crossed my skin. i just wanna kill myself, if i could i would! i want to just cut my arms, DEEP GASHES FROM THE TOP ALL THE WAY DOWN ! letting me bleed out as my body ran cold.
just thinking about hurting him makes my body ich annd i start scratching causing...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I'VE LOST MY BLADE!!!!!! WHAT DO I DO??? I NEED MY OLD BLADE!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE MORE BUT THEY'RE RUBBISH IN COMPARISON!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO IT COULD BE ANYWHERE! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Had a horrible night. Nightmares. Causing more family problems. Being attacked. Crying. Scared.
Got up. Gained weight since Thursday. I'm so angry with myself.
It's because of Saturday night. Because I ate this morning. Because I'm so stupid and far too dependant on food.
Hazel kept calling me "skinny" yesterday. "Wish I was as skinny as you." She has no idea what that even means. Just because I'm a little smaller than she is doesn't make me "skinny".

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I feel like this is the only place I can be heard. The only place someone actually cares. The only place I tell the truth about myself. I have no secrets on here it's 100% me. It's crazy that I can tell every secret to people I don't even know, but when it comes to my family and friends I can't talk. I told my mom the the ground is crumbling today; she just looked at me like I was stupid. She didn't understand the metaphor. The ground= my life, it's crumbling and eventually there will be nothing...