This Christmas was going ok. Not great but better than normal then something happened. All at once what was an ok changed because of one text.

An ex youth leader of mine who has been so much help to me over the two years I have known him passed away and I cant believe it. He was in the hospital and has been really ill but he was getting better and then he is gone.

I have never really lost anyone and he was more of a dad then anyone has been to me. I don't know what...

I go home on Sunday, an event that I have pushed back as much as I could but couldn't push any further. I haven't been home since the end of October which was not a great trip home and turned from a weekend trip to a two-week trip (quarantine) and so now I am terrified about what is going to happen. With my old therapist, we talked about how moving away could make the relationship better but if anything it is making my anxiety 100% worse about the whole experience. I am not someone who gets scared...

Today I had my first meeting with the psychology team at my local hospital, this is a massive step for me. This meeting today brought up more than I thought it would and made points I never thought would be made with my life. She told me that the way my dad treats me is illegal and that I could call the police on him for what he does. She said that some of the things that I am dealing with at the moment are signs of PTSD and there are really treatments out there that I could access. We also talked...

I lasted 450 days without any big melt down and then this milestone came along. For the first time ever I ended up in AnE. I was unable to keep myself safe and ended up in hospitle. Now that sucked. I felt like I had failed by going there for help and then I felt like I had wasted their time by being there. Everyone else there was sick I was wasnt... not in my eyes anyway. It ended alright, I did not relapse but I dont know... what has happened i think is in some ways is worse. The docters and now...

Since last time a lot has happened.
Since last time I have been put on medication that works for me and I have been coping since.
Since last time I have gotten in to university.
Since last time I have flown past my target of being one year clean and have kept on flying.
Since last time I have been keeping a mainly positive attitude though I still have my bad time.
Since last time I have been looking forward till when I move out.
Since last time I have...

So after a phone call this morning I have been started on medication. What I thought would be a release has just made me feel worse and I have not even started them yet my first dose is in the morning. I feel like I have let everybody down by not managing this without meds. I haven't even told anyone yet because I don't know where to start.

At this point I just hope they work. I don't know how much more of things not working I can take.

First Bird

As I turned 18 today I decided to contact the doctors about looking into medication to try and help me deal with my emotions, at the moment they have an online system so I completed that and they got back to me straight away. I have a phone call with them in the morning. I will be difficult as I struggle with phone calls but it is what needs to be done.

Second Bird

My dad had a friend around this evening, we are still in lock down and should...

So at the minute counselling for me is on Zoom and I have been moved back to fortnightly sessions instead of monthly sessions. Last week we discussed the fact that my mood has been plummeting a lot over the past year or two and that as I turn 18 on Thursday I should look into medication as she thinks that is the best option. When I heard this I felt so ashamed as I thought I was handling it and to be told I haven't been and that medication might be my only option kinda sucked. Now I am not against...

Last night I was scrolling through tik tok as I was anxious and that normally helps me get my mind off of things. Well it didn't, I came across a video about SH and Suicide and that sent me straight into a panic attack. By a I mean many. I have not had a problem with these triggers for a while and now they come along and send me spiralling. It is just so frustrating. I did not sleep much last night because of this which now means I will have a hard day today and I am more likely to have more panic...

Although life is not great I have had an okay day today, I spent my morning on my own in my garden which was really nice and then this afternoon I got to go and see my friend as we had some food to drop of, that really picked up my spirits. I have youth group tonight on zoom, I don't know if I am going to go or not as they will know straight away that I am not ok and there is nothing they can do to help so I don't really want to talk about it. On the other hand, if I don't go then they will also...