Turns out Christmas is a mere week away! Holy shit, that came out of nowhere.

We had our last group for the year today. I learned that the new guy has terminal AML. Explains a lot - like why he's angry a lot - but also makes me mad, because you get close to people in group, and it means some time in the future I'm going to have to try and cope with another cancer death. I don't want any of that shit. I had enough of it with Rebecca and T.A. It was scary enough having a sick brother,...

Well, now I have a new collection of shiny new cuts
Blood even dripped onto my sheets so I need to change them before my mum sees, and hope she doesn't notice the fact that I changed them. It was also deeper than I've been before, which worries me a little as it didn't feel different...

Turns out, my mums friend has a son about the same height as me with a monkey onesie. Apparently I should be thrilled, when what I actually want to do is scream at my mum DONT YOU KNOW ME AT ALL????
So now I have to go into school feeling even more self conscious than usual, then parade myself around in public for several hours.
I think im going to break when I get home tomorrow. Resetting that ticker after 3 days will not be good...

I hate my mouth. So much that I dont eat in public, try not to smile, and put my hand in front of my mouth if I laugh.
I dont eat breakfast any more, nor lunch because of the whole public thing, so I eat one meal a day. Its half six now and I haven't eaten since 6 yesterday. Im really hungry, but I dont want to eat. What I really want to do is cut, but I promised myself I wouldn't.

Ive got "Dont let nan down" scrawled across my thigh. It was a bit difficult to write from where I'm still healing from last time, but I have found it useful.
My nan is the only person on earth I feel really understands me. I still haven't told anyone, but if I did she would be the first. I know she struggled with depression, so she would get how I feel.
If I cut now, it would be an insult to her, and I respect her way too much to do that. Sitting here writing I can slowly...

Great. Went to pick up my fucking stupid costume for a fancy dress charity thing my school are doing. And I left my fucking card at home. Tomorrow. And I cant ask my mum to come and help out because my card is in my fucking jeans, which by some sick twist of fate, is also where I left that stupid depressing story I wrote which I have been panicking all day about anyway. Isn't that just the fucking best. The shop closes in about 20 minutes, so I cant go home and come back. FUUUUUUUUCK.
I'm...

Yeah, every so often I'm like "oh shit! I haven't blogged in a while! There's nothing for my stalkers to do!" and then I write a blog.

So! I graduated Peer Employment Training with an overall score of 97.9% - and I checked - that's an A+ no matter what country you're in. Unless my source is wrong but I doubt that. I am now a qualified Peer Support Specialist, and can apply for jobs in that field. Go me! Living recovery. Not - not living a dream or anything, this is tough...

Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but...

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