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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gridster2 Offline
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Exclamation Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 05:54 AM

Hello. This is my first post on this site. Try to help me out.

I'm 14 and living with a family who I do not belong in. I have strong political views, an atheist, and a rather violent person. My family is Christian, peaceful, and ignorant to national legislature. I want to move out as soon as I can, but what do I do? When I get my first car I'll try to live in it. I also live in a state that offers free scholarships for state colleges. I can graduate high school at 16, too. Once I break off, I plan to get my degrees and get a decent job. I am also going to completely break away from my family with no contact whatsoever. Is this a good idea? Please help!

-J.D.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 06:25 AM

Hey there J.D!

Welcome to TH! Thanks for posting, I'm glad you're reaching out for assistance. Like you said, you have the choice to graduate high school when you're 16 years old and then you will have a car of your own. I understand how you feel that being 14, your parents don't understand you, are Christians, have different views and such. This all makes sense. But I think you should wait until you are older before you move out of the house and loose all contact with your family. At least 18, if this is the choice you are going to make. Whatever you decide is your decision, but I think it would be better for you to wait awhile longer before loosing all contact from your family, or doing something like living in your car. Give it some time. I understand where you are coming from, with feeling like your parents don't understand you. That will come in time. Hang in there, and contact me if you need anything.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 07:10 AM

You are setting yourself up for grand and spectacular failure.

I suggest that you just suck it up and deal with the differences. You will find that it's not just your family that disagrees with you, but most of the world. Anywhere you go - people will disagree with you. It will be very frustrating if you are finding that you do not want to live with your family, but for the sake of practicality I advise you do so until at least seventeen or eighteen years of age. Irregardless of political, religious and lifestyle differences, you are dependent right now on a lot of things. Gaining your freedom in return for losing all practical ability is not a good idea. Sooner or later your newfound freedom from your stifling family will be offset by the "What the fuck do I do now!? Life is so hard.." a few weeks down the line.

If you can, I suggest you try and get your parents to enrol you in a boarding school of some type. You sound like the kind of guy who might want to look in to some kind of military school. Your parents can financially support you from a distance, you will still have strong and capable parental/mentor figures around you, you will be safe and well looked after.

You are fourteen years old. For all your enthusiasm, determination and willingness to be a man, it's still a big change when you are all on your own. You need to know how to run your finances, cook your food, do your housework, maintain a vehicle/property, pursue academics, keep fit and healthy, and having no family around you will make it a lot harder to do this. In time, you will grow to be mature and experienced, and then you can set out on your own.

Otherwise, I suggest you either suck it up and stay with your family for a few years solely for practicality, or you find a boarding school.

Let us know how things go.

Regards,

- Duty

Last edited by Duty; March 14th 2011 at 07:16 AM.
   
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 08:15 AM

Hi J.D.,
I know in a horrible position at the moment. I was in such a situation. I hated my family for being so different from me.
But, in most cases, family is always our support. How much do differences matter when you love each other? You're still family. When you love each other, as people, then your different views shouldn't matter and affect you so very much. Without family, who would we be?

Everyone has different opinions about life and the world, that what makes us individuals. If you learn to accept that and understand that each person has a different opinion or view, it'll help you deal with how you feel.


However, if you still feel the need to move out, I do suggest waiting till a time when you're older, like jelli mentioned, 18. Or as Duty suggested, you can ask to go to a boarding school. Consider all your options before you make your decisions hun, it'll make a world of a difference!


Take care

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Last edited by Spirit.; March 14th 2011 at 02:26 PM.
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 12:34 PM

You are planning things way too fast for your own good.

If you have religion issues, you need to speak with your family about them. It is tough being a teenager. You are at the stage where you don't have to be mommied or daddied, but you aren't at the stage yet to have full authority of things you are and aren't able to do.

If you have problems with your family, whatever they shall be, you need to talk with them about it. Right now, you are probably thinking that your family is just a burden you don't want to face, but one day, you are going to look back, and realize I made a horrible choice to leave my family. You might not see it now, but there is no place like home, and there is no place like family. Lots of people don't have families, so you need to be very thankful of that. So before you start making choices such as that, you need to really see the picture you are in, and see how good you do have it.


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Last edited by Maverick.; March 14th 2011 at 09:13 PM.
   
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 08:21 PM

Really, it isn't a good idea whatsoever. I understand not being able to stand your family. My mom and I... we aren't so good. My siblings are annoying and my dad is mostly absent. Anyway, even though I can't stand four out of five of them, I realize burning that bridge is not smart. If you ever need help, your family WILL help you. They can be whatever you want to call them, but if they are able they will help you, by cutting yourself from them completely will never be a good idea. Even now that my dad is turning Fifty soon, his parents still give him money for christmas. It's not that our family needs it, but it helps financially. I mean, that might seems shallow, just to keep your family around for financial help, but it is important to consider it BEFORE burning the bridge you might need to cross one day.

By ditching your family, you will not get a degree. School costs ten thousand dollars a year. Two to four years required for a degree. 75,000 to get a specialty degree like med school or law school. Bills add up to 1,000 dollars a month. Four to seven hours of schoolwork each day, as well as maintaining your home, even if you're part-time job pays twenty dollars an hour, and you only sleep four hours a day, it's just not possible. Time and money would both be unbalanced. Rooming is the only hope you have to do it, and event hen it's not possible.

I know it's tough not to get along with your family. But burning this bridge is the worst choice any young person can make. You're plan might seem good, but this is what it actually looks like:
1. Ditch Family
2. Get a degree and job
3. ???
4. Profit

I would really think this through man, but good luck anyway.

- Justin
   
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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 14th 2011, 09:41 PM

Hey there! Welcome to Teen Help.

I have to agree with everything said above. When you turn 16, and live in your car- how are you going to feed yourself? Shower? I understand that you don't agree with your parents, and most don't within your age group, but is that really a good reason to cut all ties with them? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You are dependent on them in more ways then you realize. They are financially holding you up right now. If you leave, you're going to set yourself in an even bigger problem.

Let me tell you a quick story. Months ago, I had this boyfriend I was going to move in with. He lived in a completely different state, and is on his own. We came up with this grand plan. I would move down there, apply for financial aid, and get a job. I didn't think to account for groceries, gas, clothes, insurance for car/medical, etc. You are expected to pay a lot more then you ever anticipate. I'm 18 now, and in college. I still live with my mom, and things are STILL hard to pay for.

My main concern for your plan is finances. If you plan to move out when you are at 16, you better have a damn good plan. You don't want to cut all ties with your family, get in some trouble, and need them again. (trust me, you're going to need your family again at some point.) It's okay to go to college when you are 16. in fact, I think it's a really good idea. If you wait 2 years, you are likely to forget what you learned in schoool, and it will be harder for you once you get to college. However, you are going to need a job to support yourself.

Keep ties with your family. You don't have to agree with their beliefs, but they are your family, and they are worth having around. Plus, they are the ones that are going to be there for you, no matter what.


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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 28th 2011, 08:34 PM

Hi there,
I live in England but I presume things aren't so different here as they are for you. I moved out when I was 17, and still have semi-regular contact with my family, although we mostly speak online. I really would not recommend moving out unless you are at risk of being, for example, physically or mentally abused in a big way - I live on my own in a flat and manage my own bills, food etc, and sometimes I don't have enough money for a decent amount of food, or my electricity or heating runs out, and I feel very alone sometimes because everyone else seems to at least have a family who cook for them, clean for them...long story short, unless you're being physically or mentally abused and feel you literally cannot cope any longer, I would not recommend for example living in your car - life will take a turn for the worse as you will not be well off, will feel depressed due to your situation - and relations with your family, as is often the case, often get better the further you are from them, ironically - so why not wait until you're in a decent situation to live away from home, instead of getting out the second the law says you can? I speak from experience but of course I don't know exactly what your situation is. Message me if you want to chat. All the best. XXX


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Re: Cutting off from family? - March 29th 2011, 01:20 AM

I graduated high school at 16, came to a university on the other side of the country, is now living a significantly different life than before. I cut my mom off not too long ago, and my dad (who is the sole legal guardian) knows not to interfere with my life, so we are on respectfully good terms. I still need him around for a little while to sign off my student loans, but that's really all there is to it. If I didn't respect him as a person and consider him someone worth getting to know, completely irrespective of the fact that we are related, I'd easily see myself losing contact with him in time as well.

Everything is possible. But moderation, patience, and sound judgment are very important qualities to have. Whenever there is a will, there is a way. If you are convinced that leaving home early will give you a better future, and take concrete, informed steps towards 'proving everyone wrong', then you will be successful. If on the reverse, if you are acting purely out of emotional reactions without any deeper insight at the core - I will not repeat what has been said many times over already.

Spend some time listening to yourself, calmly.

Best of luck.


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