Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[nothereanymore]

Wonder what would've happened if I'd taken the rest after I threw up.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Why am I so hung up on being conflicted about hating my dad? I've talked it over with mum and I've ranted to my best friend. But why do I still think about it. I hate him and that's it.

I am feeling a bit anxious and suicidal. I only have 40 minutes left of my shift and then I can go lay down. Just need the anxious thoughts to end.

Main anxious thought:

It's not gonna work out. You are lazy and shouldn't be waiting 6 -8 months to get a job. Fucking failure.

[nothereanymore]

I want the pain and the blood and the rush and release.
It's gonna have to be something lethal next time. Obviously the route I chose will never work.

[Calaer]

It still annoys me that you can cause so much damage, and still just assume you are going to be let right back in. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. Sadly, though, it's no my choice, because if it was, you would know, without a doubt, that you don't belong here. You're just lucky it's the nice one you're dealing with.

[MWF]

Stupidity.... Complete and utter stupidity... Everywhere...

[Calaer]

I hate having to deal with the federal government. It's always way more complicated than it should be, and it's always a very lengthy process to 'get in and get out.'

[Celyn]

Tired. Want to cry. Feel lonely and let down. Want a hug.

[nothereanymore]

Really makes me feel bad when someone gets emotional and says softly, "I'm glad you're still here." Like. Fuck. /:

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hungry. Want sleep.
Just want to close up early.

Barely ate today, so I feel like complete and utter shit.

[Kate*]

Every time I'm forced to do this, anxiety happens. This will be the last time. I only bothered again because I can't pass up a chance for something with no experience requirements and I'm not having luck anywhere else. On the other hand, do I want a job I had to try for 3 times? And then there's the fact that I wrestle with what I've lost every time I face the reality that this is the best I can do, despite everything. I know that if it were meant to be, it would be, especially after the way it all went, but I've learned not to believe better is possible and the other outcomes are not helping. Why was it my dream in the first place if you knew it couldn't happen and why did it all happen the way it did? And why do I want to tell you all of this? I want to have hope, but will it just leave me disappointed? I can't go through this again. I can't handle any more pain.

And spiraling again... I really can't handle this. Enough is enough, and 28 years of this is more than

Don't want to do this. I'm only trying because it's the best chance I have. If I haven't gotten it by now though, I don't see the point of going through it again. I just want to let go.

Sometimes things don't make you stronger, they just break you. Life never guarantees a happy ending. I've had enough.

And now my temperature is up, awesome. Hopefully it's just that and it will come down.

I'm happy for him, but it's just another slap in the face for me since I'll never accomplish anything. I know because I tried. People like me don't survive in the world, I don't see the point of torturing myself if I'm just going end up doing it later anyway.

[Mysterious Wonder]

1) Asshole I did you a fucking favour!!

2) Sweetie, wake the hell up! I need you ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

[Everglow.]

Whats the actual point? I'd better just shut up and put up because HEAVEN FORBID i say how I feel and it doesnt please you. Whats the point.

[nothereanymore]

Taking care of myself is so hard. Who cares about eating, drinking water, showering, doing laundry, how my meds are affecting me, acting reckless...
The outpatient program fucked me over. Twice in one week. So I'm discharging. Who gives a shit.

[nothereanymore]

I had so much faith in this program. I thought this would help me recover. I thought I could get the help I need to help myself recover. Nope. Nothing like being promised an incredible program and then getting fucked over twice in a week. This entire recovery process has been a waste of my time. Going to inpatient, going on medications, going to outpatient. The whole thing. I wish I was dead.

[Everglow.]

Love friends who, once they meet a bloke, never see you.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Microsoft can take their shit and shove it up their fucking arses. I'm tired of having to check when my laptop will restart to update to the "latest version" of Windows 10, my laptop is fine as it is. I do not want this update forced on me. I don't want to get stressed but way to go Microsoft and Windows for doing so anyway, a big fucking roud of applause to them for being the most useless as shit company ever.

Actually, I'm tired of everything. I'm sick and tired and I want it all to fucking stop.

[Kate*]

His strong faith and forced positive attitude wasn't enough to save him. What hope is there for the rest of us? I see zero point in continuing, I've had enough.

I think that's the most calories in one day than I've eaten in my entire life. I'll never lose this weight now, one more reason to go I guess.

I want to tell you everything, but I'm not sure you care. You responded, so you care enough to do that, but I don't want to bother you since there's nothing you can do. I still wrestle with how much of this was my fault. It will haunt me for the rest of my life and I have 18 months of proof that I'll never be okay again.

I'm resolved and resigned. It's a matter of time now. Not everyone gets a happy ending, mine isn't coming and I'm sick of fighting this hard for a shitty one. I finally learned when to quit.

If I ever manage to try that, and it fails (again), then I will really be done. If I manage to ever do it, it will be my last resort.

I should've resisted that, really must learn, but I also have to learn not to let these things get to me, so we'll see how I do. Makes me REALLY want to submit my original story though. I would submit both of them, but I should start with one.

[Calaer]

Sometimes it makes my blood boil when I think about how poorly you treat everyone you're around, and it's even more astounding when you try and hide that fact from everyone else around you. You don't belong anywhere in my family. You aren't welcome here.

[Forging Galaxies]

I need to die.
All is lost,and I failed everyone.

[Celyn]

This is horrible. I want to break down in tears all the time, and I can't sleep. Thought my infection was getting better, but now I doubt it. Fed up. And this is only the start...there are worse things yet to come. Try to keep going and think of the end result, but right now, it's crap.

[nothereanymore]

There's something wrong with me.

[Calaer]

No friends day this week. We have so much to catch up on and it's the start of a new chapter for both Jordan and myself. I'm very nervous about it. Hopefully everything goes well, and next week we can see our friends.

[nothereanymore]

I love hearing that my medication and my therapy and the choices I make in therapy are a financial burden. Can't pay a doctor's copay. Can't pay the two dollars it costs to get this medication. I'm a gas guzzler. I'm a frustration. I'm weak and immature and stupid and I'm being a baby and I don't really need this help. I'm just an attention whoring brat who refuses to take care of herself. Right?

[Calaer]

I hate how it always takes the doctors office a week to respond to my request for a refill on my medications. It's not like any of this situation is new. I've been walking the same block with then for years now. Come on guys. Get your crap together.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Ah self hatred my old friend, welcome back. It seems you've brought resentment along with you too because I'm tired of seeing how successful people are right now while I'm fucking stuck. Just great...

[Celyn]

Please hurry up, I've been waiting to use the bathroom for 40 minutes!!

[nothereanymore]

Something is happening to me

[Elision]

Moving, moving, moving again for the eight fricking time, this was my favourite house and now I have to leave and live in a tiny bungalow, and we went going to find our own house no matter what you say so stop pretending, im just sick of living in shitty school houses all my life with no heating, crappy showers, no space and moths EVERYWHERE

[MyVisionIsDying]

I'm sorry I'm getting stressed, but when I've had to be strong for her when she's feeling down I can't help but crumble when I'm alone with my thoughts.
I'm sorry that I depend on something so silly and get agitated so quickly when something tiny happens to it.
I'm sorry I'm stressing you out because I'm getting stressed out.
I'm sorry. I really need my emotional and mental stability back.

[Calaer]

Jordan's cat peed in my dryer...

This cat is insane. He has a clean litter box, and will use it, but if Jordan leaves, and I'm the only one here, he will pee inside my dryer if the door is open..he hates me, and I have no idea why..

[nothereanymore]

getting a yeast infection really puts a damper on your sex life

[nothereanymore]

Fucking love being told that I'm a burden
I ask too much of everyone.

[Calaer]

Sadly, Jordan isn't going to be able to join us on Family Fun Day today because he has one more day at TCC (The job he is quitting.) It makes us super sad.

[Kate*]

It's a rough one for no reason and now the AC is out, plus the toilet is still broken.

You are retired with nothing to do today what the fuck do you need your alarm for? You just get up and sit there, it's not like you call people to come fix things. I'm doing what I can to stay alive. There's a difference.

GET A HEARING AID!! Insurance will cover a hearing aid, there's nothing it can do for me.

I don't know why I want to tell you everything, it's not like you actually care (anymore). I think I'm just that far out of other options. I won't use you for this, don't worry. I would do that before I would annoy anybody on purpose.

Drowning and it doesn't get better. Not everyone gets a happy ending. Some of us just suffer before finally learning when to quit.

This back and forth crap is ridiculous and when I do decide I'm ready to try to take action, it's the weekend, so I can't and by Monday I don't want to anymore, UGH I want to make enough money to survive in the world with a job I'm actually capable of, why is that so fucking hard to come by?!

[Forging Galaxies]

I can't take the stress anymore. I can't...

[Rez]

Fuck you. Really.

[Forging Galaxies]

I think it's time to give up on life.

[Calaer]

You people are horrible people, and I hope you're proud of yourselves. You've driven away the most amazing thing that's ever happened to you.

[Forging Galaxies]

I can't sleep, a few minutes of crying and I'm hating myself for it.
Am I really still in pain? I feel nothing but pity and sadness for some people. How their lives would of been better if no tragic events pour into their lives. I thought I didn't care anymore yet what was deep down has resurface, and the pain along with it.

Am I just a watcher? All I could is observe... and I can't do goddamn anything about. I'm weak, my mind is weak, my body is weak as shown by this illness.
Such is life, and I'm nothing but a fool to think I could rise myself to great heights, to make meaninful impacts where they count. But this is it, I'm dying somehow... I given away all my best... and there's no way to regain such strength. Staring into the very abyss of self-power can turn anyone cruel.
How long can I stay the good person...?

And I miss you... the girl I truly loved and yet failed. Now all I can do is hope for her safety and happiness. I... don't want anyone to hurt her or ruin her. It'll truly consume me enough that I will kill all those who are vile people. But it wont happen, she would promise me that again and again...