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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 20th 2016, 02:18 PM
What if? Just what if it never works out for me? I don't know of anyone over 60 who actually succeeded with it, but I know of at least one suicide. My guess is that people figure out what I already know and give up. I see that and all the people struggling with it and wonder what the point is given that I've already lost so much.
I don't want to use you for this, but you might be getting an update soon anyway. It wasn't the decision, it was the process and what it left me with which wasn't really your fault.
What part of I can't do that because I have a disability do you not understand?!
I have no idea why it wasn't refrigerated like it's always been before. Hopefully it's still safe because I have to use it. From what I can find it will be.
Ambition to do everything, capable of and qualified for nothing. This is fun, not. If I could get paid to do that somehow, it would probably be my best option, but i rarely happens and I can't have what commonly happens. If that were possible that would be cool too, but I don't see that either. Of course I can't have what I could see so clearly for over a decade, so who knows.
People who say shit like that are allowed in and I'm not?! What the fuck?! is all I can say. Am I worse than those people for not making it that far, or better because I refused to be fake? Unlike them, I actually cared, but it doesn't matter because I still can't do it.
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
Last edited by Kate*; September 22nd 2016 at 06:35 PM.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 23rd 2016, 04:58 AM
Every time I open my mouth, selfish selfish selfish. Every single fucking time.
Every time I open my eyes, I see another reason why this place is not one I want to live in. I hate the world. I hate the world. I hate the world.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 23rd 2016, 04:59 PM
Why do you have to keep bringing him over and not asking me. It's been a bloody week and I've had to see him twice. I don't want him here right now. Fuck sake.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 24th 2016, 02:18 PM
After 28 years of hell ended in my worst nightmare, I broke. I didn't make a "choice." Every part of my mind, body, and soul said "I quit" on the same day in a last ditch effort to preserve my existence. Meanwhile, life continued to collapse on me because God decided that I hadn't had nearly enough yet. I don't owe strangers on the Internet (not here) an explanation, but if I get told one more time that I "chose to let one thing break me" and it's time to "move on", I'll challenge them to survive the same thing. I bet they couldn't do it. I may not be functioning yet, but I'm still breathing and that's good enough for now.
There are multiple people with my disability and my dream. For me, they had to be mutually exclusive, caused my life to completely collapse, and I didn't get to choose. There's a part of me that HATES that.
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
Last edited by Kate*; September 25th 2016 at 05:05 AM.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 25th 2016, 05:01 AM
I'm tired and I'm done. How am I supposed to wait until next weekend to continue escaping reality. Let's face it, there's something wrong with me if I'm struggling with waiting for season 6 of The Walking Dead on DVD, I'm dependent on fiction to stop me from thinking about my life in the real world. I can shift from feeling alright to feeling empty and then to sad. I feel like shit and I am so fucking tired of it.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 26th 2016, 06:21 PM
I'm sick of being a knight in shining armor for everyone. I need to learn to say no instead of tap dancing around whatever situation I'm put in, I need to put myself first for a while because frankly, I've been doing a shit job of that for months.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 26th 2016, 09:45 PM
I have never once been rude to you. I'm not that sort of person. All I have ever done is treat you with respect, even when you don't deserve it. I have always put myself out and I have tried my best to be the best I can towards you. I can't take your strops. You're a grown woman and you act like a child. I am done with you making me feel inferior. I'll bide my time, right now you might have all the power, but soon enough, in 18 months time you'll have much less. You will see another side to me. If I disagree with you, believe me I'll speak up and if you don't like it, I couldn't care less because I won't have to stare at your miserable face every day. I'll be polite, but that is it. You can try to make yourself as involved as you like, but I get final say. If you p*** me off, I'll call you out on it. Because I'm done being a door matt and I'm done with you speaking to me in a way that my parents don't even speak to me. You are a pathetic, stupid, bitter, old woman and you know what, it's your own fault. You are going to be lonely as a result.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 28th 2016, 04:13 PM
All I can say is thank God that doesn't have to be done today. I really don't think I could.
I think part of me will always wish I could tell you that, but I never will. It's never been my business.
The few hour break was nice. Too bad it never lasts.
I wonder a lot now if calling it abuse was as wrong as you said. Then I realize how much it messed me up and remember that you bragged about how much better you knew. It was wrong either way, denial doesn't change the term for it or the severity. I also wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that, or the way it ended. I mean, the problems were happening long before I wore out enough to start telling you what I really thought. I probably shouldn't have said it, but you also should've handled it better. I still can't tell if my reputation is shot, though. Supposedly it's not, but I can't trust anyone anymore, and the only one I know is willing to respond is him, but that may only be because he feels bad or something.
Why? It's never going to happen. Why do I still want it and why does this still haunt me so much?
I want to go to this and see her, but I don't want to have to listen to everybody tell stories and talk about how amazing their dream jobs are while they interrogate me about what I'm (not) doing and how my life is still this much of a mess after almost 2 years.
I want to tell you, but I don't want to annoy you and I'm afraid if I tell you too much, I'll end up disappointed because I'll stop getting any response at all.
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
Last edited by Kate*; September 30th 2016 at 02:49 AM.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 28th 2016, 05:16 PM
He's gone. He's gone and I want him back. I want him back. I want him back now! I can't fucking cope. Everything is too loud, too bright, too warped. This is some fucked up nightmare and I really want to wake up now. He can't fucking leave me. I want to fucking die.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 28th 2016, 10:32 PM
One of my 'best friends' is too concerned with being right that she doesn't understand how upset she's made me, and now I can't talk to her about anything even though I live with her. She's too busy defending herself when I haven't insulted her to accept that what she has/hasnt done had genuinely upset me. I was close to tears earlier and all she could do was say 'i'm sorry you feel that way' and 'this has been the hardest two weeks of my life' like my literal nan didn't just die. But whatever. As long as she's ok, why shouldn't i be? Fuming.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 29th 2016, 10:18 PM
List of things that went wrong today:
1. My bus wasn't running properly
2. I spent twenty minutes trying to find my supervisors room, walked up 9 flights of stairs, and nearly gave up
3. As a result of the above issues, I was 20 minutes late to my meeting
4. My bag broke
5. I stepped in chewing gum, and they're new shoes
6. My funeral outfit was going to be delivered, but I wasn't in, so it wasn't delivered.
Re: Screaming thread. -
September 30th 2016, 11:56 PM
I thought my relationship with my mom would get better sometime in the future but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.
"I'm sorry my personality doesn't fit in your neat little box."
Yeah, Mom, your aggressiveness doesn't fit with my passiveness. But thanks for mocking me.
Re: Screaming thread. -
October 1st 2016, 08:07 AM
I ate fucking TOAST, why do hormones do this to me now?! People are going to start to fear depression (or talking about me behind my back) if/because I stopped going to family functions, but I might really be sick this time and it sucks because I kind of wanted to go. They can have this keep them up all night and see how much they want to deal with a bunch of questions.
Already been sick once and there's no getting out of this. I have to "dress nice" to sit there for 3 hours and be virtually ignored by a room full of strangers. At least that way, I won't have to talk about any of this. Yet, you wonder why I don't want to go. The food is usually a good enough reason, but again, sick twice in the last 8 hours.
Pretty much went as expected. You need to stop trying to hold this family together, it's falling apart, and the more you hold onto hope of it coming together again, the more disappointed you'll be.
And you: Some people who work minimum wage jobs will never be able to "work hard and move on." Good to know you don't believe their best effort and ability deserves a chance at living wage.
Fucking awesome. I'm seriously done
People with my diagnosis and worse can have my dream job and I can't. This may be the only diagnosis I have, but it stole everything that I wanted out of life, making continuing pointless. If I really had "options" I would've just taken one, but I don't have any, it's going to get worse, not better, and I can't do it anymore. I would share at least part of this there, but they tend to make me feel worse (though I'm not sure I really could)
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
Last edited by Kate*; October 4th 2016 at 06:43 AM.