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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 26th 2012, 10:16 PM

Basically my girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months to this date and we've stuck it out together and we always love each other in the end but we have A LOT of rough spots...

I know people will say we should just end it and find other people but we do really love each other and if we were going to end it cause we didn't think it was going to work out, we would've done so sooner and not gone through 8 months together, through the bad and the amazing

We're both 18 and within the next week and 1/2 we will both be 19. It seems to me that my girlfriend has a bit of an inferiority complex. She was a girl from a small town and that's how she grew up and what she knows. I'm from the city and so we both have pretty different views on some things. Also only her mom is in her life (her dad hasn't spoken to her in 2 years) and she is not wealthy whatsoever but that doesn't bother me in the slighest...I don't say anything about it at all.

The problems we have all seem to occur because she thinks I think of myself as this "Big city boy" who is smarter than her, has rich, successful parents and will become that later on in life and how I think my life is just SO much better than hers.

The fact is though that I wouldn't be able to be with someone if I thought I was a lot better than that person... I was brought up to respect all walks of life and how "everyone has their own path" and I don't see anyone as better or worse than me...we're all just different.

So the problem I has is that no matter what I try telling my girlfriend..she just won't believe that I love her the way she is and that I see us as equals in every shape and form.

Does anyone have any tips or anything to help me out with this??

If you need to know anything else, please let me know - this really means a lot to me and you "guys" helped me out a lot before!

Thanks in advance!!

Last edited by Lumberjack; June 26th 2012 at 10:17 PM. Reason: Changed title.
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 26th 2012, 10:36 PM

I don't think there's anything else you can do but to keep showing her that you don't care about her lifestyle as much as you care about her as a person. I agree with you a lot, that people come from different places in life, but life is what you make it. If she wants to be successful, then she certainly can. It takes hard work, but it can happen. Especially if she's dating a guy who is better off than she is ;] haha, just kidding about that.

Do you know why she may feel this way? Do you unknowingly flaunt the assets you have? Do you maybe spend too much money on her (assuming you have money, and not just your parents)? Just make her feel welcome, as I'm sure you've been trying to. This is really something she needs to work on herself, and there's not much you can do about it. It sucks, but just be there for her.
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 12:08 AM

Thanks for the reply! It means a lot

Well her mom is not a nice person so when we finished our College year (we were at the same College; also where we met!) she packed up all her stuff and now lives with my parents and I. We'll be moving out into an apartment once school starts but right now we're at my parents' place.

I have quite a bit of money and pay for a lot of the things she needs and I like to get her nice things and she does the same thing for me when she can (she works long hours and at every chance she can).

I never flaunt the things I have but I am proud of the things that I have as I have worked hard for them and I have strong passion for the things I like to do.

She confuses me being passionate about something as flaunting..

I'm proud of the $2000 computer I paid 100% myself with my own money and built myself..

The fact that it was $2000 is not to flaunt or to make fun of others who have spent less for their computer. I just love it and I built it and picked all the parts myself and it's my second baby (behind my girlfriend <3)...so I like to let people know.

My one friend recently paid $100 for his graphics card for his computer and I posted on facebook how awesome that was and I was just surprised he could find such an awesome deal for what performance he needed and how I paid $400 for mine.

My girlfriend takes it as "haha! $100!! What is that a paperweight!? That won't even let you play a game from ten years ago!!"

So she gets mad at me about flaunting what I have...I'm just making conversation and putting my own experiences into it of buying my own graphics card to show I'm interested in his purchase...

One person says they have a Blackberry model X and someone says back they have an iPhone X....no one's flaunting what they have...just happy with the phone they picked for their needs and letting each other know, as friends.

Sorry I'm a little long-winded in typing lol...I just don't see where I'm going wrong?
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 04:48 AM

I don't think you are going wrong. I'm sure she's grateful for what you're doing, but she probably feels bad because of it. I know that I don't really like my boyfriend spending money on me, but I would also do the same for him if I actually had a job. He actually offered to loan me money once. I didn't accept because I really don't need new clothes or whatever, but he still does a lot for me, and I do appreciate him.

Like I said, I think this is something she needs to work on. Try sitting her down and telling her that you just want what's best for her when you get her things, and that you want her to be happy. Ask her what you could change (if anything) and ask why she gets upset about it. Maybe she feels bad that she can't reciprocate? It didn't seem to me like you were flaunting anything, have you explained that you just like talking about that kind of thing with others?

I had other things to say, but I forgot xD I hope this helps.
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 01:54 PM

The whole "she's a small town kid and your a city kid" bit is insane. Like I understand where she might get the idea from. Lots of people from cities act like people from small towns must be ignorant red necks who know nothing but the town, but that goes 2 ways where city people are stuck up ignorant city slickers who never leave the city. It's a ridiculous stereotype, but it's possible people have said stuff that easily triggers her.

And as for the whole money thing, yes, I think she is being insecure, but it might help if you didn't mention prices. I am not saying it is wrong too. But yeah, it is possible that she was already insecure about her family situation and that having to move in with your family has exacerbated it. You should definitely talk to her and just try to get to the bottom of the matter. You should be allowed to be proud of your electronics and not have her shoving it in your face and acting like you're just trying to flaunt it.
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 02:25 PM

I try to talk to her all the time about things but whenever I let her know how I feel, she says how I always hate on her and she's always the one in the wrong!

In reality I specifically say "I feel like..." not "you.." so I'm making sure I don't make it seem like I'm just saying it's her fault..it's not her doing something, it's me feeling a certain way by her doing something - if that makes sense?

I just don't understand sometimes because we'll go to the movie theatre where I live and she'll get there everytime and say "I always love going here, the one in my town is sooo ghetto!" and she's being entirely serious.

And then I'll say the same thing but more carefully as it is her town and not mine (kind of like when people hate on their siblings but then if you do it they get all defensive) and then she gets so mad that I honestly think we're going to be broken up right there and then..it's actually insane and makes me feel horrible because I had the right intent in mind when I spoke.

I can definitely stop talking about the money amount but how she grew up is "Why pay $100s for a branded piece of clothing when you can get clothes for $20 at non-branded clothing stores/places (can't remember what they're called)"

So I love Bench clothing which everyone knows is expensive and tbh the clothes make me feel good because of me knowing it's a good article of clothing.

For Christmas my gf got me a sweater from a store in her town and it was a brand I had never heard of and she even told me "it's not that expensive so I got you other gifts too " Within 2 days the ENTIRE sweater was pilled and I still wear it because I loved the colours and everything and because she got it for me and I don't want her to feel bad.

It's just that that's a perfect example..buying a sweater for $40 that looks and feels bad after 2 days is not worth $40. My Bench clothing from 3 years ago still fits me (I stopped growing in grade 8 lol, 5ft 10inches if you were wondering) and it still feels just as soft and comfortable as from day 1.

So to me even if Bench clothing is $200...it's worth it to last multiple years and still feel good.

Her mom has pumped into her head that branding and buying by the brand is what rich stuck-ups do so she hates on me for liking brands. I trust Nike and Bench, Asics and Underarmour, etc because I've owned a lot of their products and I know they will almost always be worth my money.

That's how I see it but my gf has had that crap pumped into her head her whole life. She's been getting better since she's been living with me at my place but as soon as she goes home her mom gives her shit again...
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 06:25 PM

Like the other members have said, I don't think you've done anything terribly wrong. It sounds like your girlfriend is acting this way because money is a touchy subject. I grew up in a middle-class family, but most of my high school friends came from low- or low-middle-class families. Eventually, I recognized that I had to be careful when making plans with these friends (not eating at restaurants because they might not be able to afford it, so settling for fast food or eating at home instead), but there was one girl in particular who could NOT let our economic differences go. We would go to Barnes and Noble together once or twice a month, and at some point, I would want to grab a drink from the cafe. Then she would say things like, "I wish I had that kind of money," and essentially guilt-trip me into either getting her something as well, or not getting anything at all. It was EXHAUSTING, and that was just a friend! I can't imagine doing that every single day with someone I loved and lived with.

In all honesty, I'm not sure which approach I would go with. On one hand, never discussing her issue with money (and just continuing to love her) could slowly cause her to feel more secure and back off. On the other hand, if this is something she's been dealing with her whole life, you may need to wait years for her to change... and sadly, she may never change. My father grew up DIRT poor, and even though he's doing well now, he still clips coupons from the newspaper and won't buy ANYTHING unless it's on sale... even if it's just $0.50 off. I would hate to see you stick with your girlfriend for another year or two, only to discover that she's still stuck in this mentality and making you feel bad for how she thinks. I can sympathize with her, but I can also sympathize with you - she's putting you in an awkward position, and that's not fair!

I think I would avoid the subject for a while, because the stress of moving around could be feeding into her insecurities. Once things settle down, and you continue to love her, she may finally start to ease up. If that doesn't happen, you'll need to decide if this is something you're willing to deal with (potentially for the rest of your relationship with her), or if it's something she needs to change in order for the two of you to continue dating. Maybe you two could attend couples therapy - it's not just for married couples, you know! =)





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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 11:19 PM

If you have your own clothing preferences, that's fine, and I don't see anything wrong with her buying you clothes that she finds for your birthday or whatever. I mean, sure, they won't last as long, but that shouldn't be a big deal, and you even said you'd still wear it. I've really never heard of half the brands you're talking about. I do most of my shopping at PacSun and Hot Topic. But I do like Nike... I had 6.0's that lasted me for 3 years. The only reason I got rid of them was because the outside was all dirty, but other than that, the overall structure was still fine. I'd rather buy $70 shoes that last me years than $20 shoes that last me only one year.

I guess try to avoid the subject all together. It's obviously touchy, and it's probably not helping anything when you talk about it.
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Re: Girlfriend has an inferiority complex - June 27th 2012, 11:37 PM

Sounds like you two should sit down with a referee and find a middle ground.


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