Girlfriend & Driving

[Brandon]

Let's start out with the basic background information just so you can get a general understanding about my position.

Firstly, I own a car that was given to me about 4 years ago. It's an 1985 Firebird Trans-AM. Unlike newer cars, it doesn't have ABS, traction control, or anything else. It has power steering, and power windows...but that's about as hi-tech as you're going to get.

I work almost a minimum wage job. As of right now, I make about 200 bucks a week. With my current job, I'm probably not going to make much more than that...in fact, I'll be making less at some point in the future due to hour cuts. 200-210 bucks is my best case scenario right now.

I live with my grandparents so I don't have to pay rent. In a perfect world, I'd have 800 bucks in my bank account by the end of the month.

I pay for my own car insurance. I pay about 500 dollars for 6 months MINIMAL coverage. In other words, if I got into an accident with someone and I was at fault, the other person would be covered and I wouldn't be covered. If I hit a pole, the POLE would be covered...but I wouldn't be covered. Basically, any damage that I do to my car has to come out of my own pocket. I don't have a towing service, or anything else. To get better coverage, I would essentially double the amount from 500 to almost a thousand bucks for 6 months of coverage.

My car has been having to go in the shop a lot the past year, and I've spent a lot of money on gas since my girlfriend lives 30 to an hour away. What it all comes down to is that I don't have the money to afford better insurance.

My girlfriend doesn't have a car, so it puts a lot of strain for me to make things happen. I visit her on the weekends, and lately I've been visiting her on Tuesdays. There's been occasions where I've driven her places, picked her up from places, and I've make a lot of sacrifices to ensure that my girlfriend is well taken care of. As far as I'm concerned, I believe that is what any good boyfriend would do. To help out any chance I get.

My girlfriend hardly ever pays for gas, and that's mostly because she works less hours than I do and because she lives in a dorm. All the food she provides for herself, along with everything else. As I've mentioned, she has no car. She pays for her phone bill as well which is a flat-rate of 60 bucks a month. I don't expect her to help me very much. She cooks food, we both give each other gifts sometimes, but she doesn't really give me money for things. We'll switch and sometimes pay separately at restaurants and movie theaters, but that's about it.

None of this is really a big deal, but there's a huge problem with her not having a car and it's the fact that she doesn't know how to drive. As a boyfriend, it would seem like it's my responsibility to teach her how to drive...after all, I care about her well being, I have a form of transportation to teach her on, and have the time to do so. However, remember that I make 200 dollars a week, I own a car that's not worth more than 3-4,000 dollars, and my insurance only covers other cars involved in the accident but not my own.

I don't trust people with my car because I can't afford to buy another car. I don't have any established credit, so I couldn't get a car loan without a co-signer. Even if I had a co-signer, most loans require a certain amount of income or something so that they'll know you can pay it back (or something like that). Point is that I don't have 5 to 10,000 dollars to buy another car, and don't really have other resources to acquire that 5,000 dollars easily. All I know is that if it came down to my car being totaled and I had to buy another car, I'd probably make a dumb decision that would ruin my credit score and/or someone else's credit score.

My girlfriend has a lot of learning to do, but I have avoided trying to help her learn with the huge risk of something bad happening. This is more than a patience game to me. My girlfriend really wants to learn so that she can get a better job and buy a car, but the pressure has built up to where I feel like a failure. I wish that I had the good type of insurance that would gaurantee if she were to hit someone or something like that hard enough to where it made my car undrivable, we'd be covered. Unfortunately, it's a huge risk taker that I really can't afford right now. Not letting her drive as much as she like is like wearing a condom to me. If I had more money or comfort in knowing that the damage could be fixed and I wouldn't really have to pay anything, then I'd love to do it. But I have limited resources, and therefore I only trust myself. I trust my girlfriend with everything else, but when it comes down to financial things...I really don't know how to make her understand my position or deal with the issue without making both of us happy. Right now, I feel like total shit the way my life has turned out...but I feel like her driving is my responsibility, and I've already got so much shit to deal with as it is and I've been highly stressed out about it. I don't know what to do.

[SamMarie]

You actually sound a lot like my boyfriend and his name is Brandon as well. Haha. Anyways, it's time that she probably looks for another job and/or tries to use some kind of other car maybe a family car to borrow that isn't too high of a maintenance or vulnerable to crashes. It really isn't fair that to you to have all the responsibility. Actually, my boyfriend and I were in a similar situation just a couple weeks ago. I never have enough gas money due to the fact I've been jobless for a good amount of months now and he usually drives me everywhere. I try to equal the effort by driving to his house and back myself because he lives 30-40 minutes away from my house now. I know financial issues is the number one problem people spread apart. I really highly suggest borrowing a family member's car that isn't usually used. I have to say that Trans Ams are old and that is a pretty high up there car. I don't blame you on that, but you really shouldn't stop her from driving all together either. She does need to consider her own responsibility of taking a higher paying job or ANOTHER job to help you financially.

Financial issues should be a partnership deal on which you both should work together for. I'm sure you are doing the best you can, but I think the fact you are being too lenient on giving her a booster seat to these little things that matters most is giving her this idea that she doesn't need to do anything because she has you which isn't right at all. I think you need to have a serious talk with her and mention that it is making you unhappy and it could hurt the relationship if she doesn't step up. The economy isn't exactly the greatest either, so, you should really consider what's really more practical at the moment...is a Trans Am really worth all the trouble and money for what you really need in life? Sure, it gets you places, but in the long haul, a Trans Am can really put you down the drain especially since the consequences are quite the downer. Sometimes you need to sacrifice your wants for the needs in life and that goes to both you and your girlfriend. I tried the best I can to help. I hope I did something. Good luck!

[jenntasticxx]

It's not your responsibly to teach her how to drive. I think it's reasonable to not want her to drive. She needs to understand that driving takes a while to get the hang of, and you can't afford to have her get into an accident. If she doesn't you won't have a car and you won't be able to see her anymore.

If you want to help her, however, wait until she's at home and help her learn in one of her parent's cars. I'm sure they have better insurance if that's an option. Or, have her pay you for the difference and get better insurance, if she makes enough.

I don't know why she would even want to take the risk of wreaking your car. I've had my license for a year and a half now, and have been driving for 4 years, and I was super anxious when I had to drive my boyfriend's car. I didn't want anything bad to happen to it and have it be my fault. Like you, my boyfriend does most of the driving because he has the car and the job. I even feel bad for having him drive that much, especially because he won't let me pay for gas, and he pays for everything else (movies, food, fun dates, etc). I think you need to talk to her about this. It seems like she's taking you for granted a little bit.

[PSY]

I've had friends purchase cars for under $2000 that have run just fine... so I'm not quite sure where you're getting the $5000-10000 figure from.

Like the other posters have said, it's not your responsibility to teach her how to drive. It's great that you want to help her out, but there are so many people like your girlfriend who DON'T have boyfriends, and find a way to get their driver's licenses by relying on family members and friends. Since your girlfriend lives in a dorm, I'm assuming she has roommates (or at least a few friends at her university) - why can't she ask one of them to teach her? There may also be classes offered somewhere nearby, where she could attend for a few weeks and learn the basics that way. I'm just throwing out a few more possibilities, so you'll realize this doesn't all have to fall on your shoulders. Your girlfriend is a grown woman - she can figure this out, just like you figured out how to get your driver's license, your car, and your insurance.

I'm sorry if all of this came across as a bit harsh... but if you're feeling this bad over something that isn't even your "job" to "fix," then I really do think you need to take a step back, reassess your role in all of this, and have a talk with your girlfriend about what SHE can do. This relationship isn't going to be very fulfilling if you're always trying to take care of things. It needs to be equal somehow. If she doesn't have money to contribute, then she should be making an effort to "pay you back" in some other way - for example, finding some other way to obtain her license, catching a ride with someone else to visit you, taking public transportation to visit you, going "dutch" for all your dates from now on, etc. Trust me, my boyfriend and I have struggled over finances as well. You have GOT to work out an agreement that minimizes the stress for BOTH of you. Otherwise, you'll crack, or she'll start taking you for granted, or both. None of those outcomes will be pleasant.