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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Dating multiple people at once - May 17th 2011, 10:06 PM

What do you guys and gals think about it? I already know some of the responses that I am going to get, but I thought I'd throw the question out there.

What are your thoughts on it? Pros/ cons for each sex? I will chime in with my own story/ thoughts once I get a couple of posts.

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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 17th 2011, 10:35 PM

There was a discussion on this not too long ago on another site I belong to, polyamory specifically, though the topic of open relationships came up.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it if all parties are consenting parties. This goes for polygamous relationships and open relationships. I feel that the terms do need to be discussed and that both partners need to be on the same page, and I feel that communication is extremely important in both circumstances, same as it is/would be in a monogamous relationship.

The example I used in the other discussion, when someone essentially said polygamy and open relationships were "acceptable forms of cheating," was to compare it to exams. You have closed-book and open-book exams. If you bring in notes "under the table," so to speak, when the exam is closed-book, closed-note, then I would consider that to be cheating. In an open-book exam, everyone, students, teachers, etc., are aware of the fact that it's an open-book, open-note exam. You have the answers in front of you, same as you would if you smuggled the answers in, but it's different in the sense that it has been okayed and all parties have consented to the open-book exam. The same idea, in my opinion, can be applied to relationships.

Though neither of those relationships are for me, I can see the perspectives of the people who are in them, and I can respect those perspectives for what they are. I don't feel I'm in any position of authority to be judging somebody else's lifestyle, and to be frank, I feel a lot of people spend too much time on analysing and judging others' lifestyles and not enough time focusing on their own. I think we need to live and let live. I don't expect to be criticised for being in a monogamous relationship, and I'm not going to bring that criticism down upon somebody else. I find many societal standards to be ridiculous (excluding the obvious, such as child molestation, murder, etc. being seen as wrong across society). However, I feel the lack of awareness, education, and accurate information on, say, polyamorous relationships contributes to the ignorance of society, and ignorance tends to breed hatred, distaste, or quick disagreement.


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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 17th 2011, 11:50 PM

I definitely think that if someone is going to date multiple people, then all the people need to be fully aware and acceptable of the fact that the other person is seeing other people as well. I think that if that was the case, the relationships would have to be much more honest, but also much more closed. I don't think one person would want to hear about you doing other things with another of the partners. Honesty would be important in a lot of it, but also it'd be very complex to know how to handle something like that.

I personally would not be into dating multiple people. I would be open to having "flings" with multiple people as long as I wasn't committed to any of them. As soon as I got more feelings for one rather than the other though, I would tell them and then make up my mind whether I wanted it to go further or not.

I doubt this was much help to you at all, I'm sorry. Haa.

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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:02 AM

Nothing wrong with it. Taking a girl to the cinema isn't a pledge of exclusivity.

Does this mean you've got two girls on the go?



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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayingPretend View Post
There was a discussion on this not too long ago on another site I belong to, polyamory specifically, though the topic of open relationships came up.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it if all parties are consenting parties. This goes for polygamous relationships and open relationships. I feel that the terms do need to be discussed and that both partners need to be on the same page, and I feel that communication is extremely important in both circumstances, same as it is/would be in a monogamous relationship.

The example I used in the other discussion, when someone essentially said polygamy and open relationships were "acceptable forms of cheating," was to compare it to exams. You have closed-book and open-book exams. If you bring in notes "under the table," so to speak, when the exam is closed-book, closed-note, then I would consider that to be cheating. In an open-book exam, everyone, students, teachers, etc., are aware of the fact that it's an open-book, open-note exam. You have the answers in front of you, same as you would if you smuggled the answers in, but it's different in the sense that it has been okayed and all parties have consented to the open-book exam. The same idea, in my opinion, can be applied to relationships.

Though neither of those relationships are for me, I can see the perspectives of the people who are in them, and I can respect those perspectives for what they are. I don't feel I'm in any position of authority to be judging somebody else's lifestyle, and to be frank, I feel a lot of people spend too much time on analysing and judging others' lifestyles and not enough time focusing on their own. I think we need to live and let live. I don't expect to be criticised for being in a monogamous relationship, and I'm not going to bring that criticism down upon somebody else. I find many societal standards to be ridiculous (excluding the obvious, such as child molestation, murder, etc. being seen as wrong across society). However, I feel the lack of awareness, education, and accurate information on, say, polyamorous relationships contributes to the ignorance of society, and ignorance tends to breed hatred, distaste, or quick disagreement.
*applause*

Excellent post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by savealife723 View Post
I definitely think that if someone is going to date multiple people, then all the people need to be fully aware and acceptable of the fact that the other person is seeing other people as well. I think that if that was the case, the relationships would have to be much more honest, but also much more closed. I don't think one person would want to hear about you doing other things with another of the partners. Honesty would be important in a lot of it, but also it'd be very complex to know how to handle something like that.

I personally would not be into dating multiple people. I would be open to having "flings" with multiple people as long as I wasn't committed to any of them. As soon as I got more feelings for one rather than the other though, I would tell them and then make up my mind whether I wanted it to go further or not.

I doubt this was much help to you at all, I'm sorry. Haa.

I hope that you find what you're looking for in this question.
Now, does it have to be explicitly voiced, or can it be "implied?" I agree that both partners should realize that the relationship is not "serious" per se, nor should they be sharing their exploits with other partners at the same time as they are together (unless that's their thing lol). But does it have to be VOICED or can it just be "implied?" Also, any discussion is welcome. I am just trying to get some back-and-forth on the subject.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Acheron View Post
Nothing wrong with it. Taking a girl to the cinema isn't a pledge of exclusivity.

Does this mean you've got two girls on the go?
Lulz I figured you'd chime in as "pro."

Define "on the go" lol. I am seeing one girl (have not "defined" the relationship yet- third "date" is tonight) and have a couple others I have yet to call up.


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Last edited by Choose; May 18th 2011 at 12:47 AM.
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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:48 AM

I think it very much depends.
With me, I will see more than one person unless it has been specified that we are exclusive. If I'm exclusive with someone I will be happy just to see them and spend time with them.
Being in a relationship with someone is completely different though, that definitely has to be discussed.
For example, I'm seeing someone at the moment, but he hasn't asked me to see just him exclusively, but I'm spending so much time with him and the time I'm spending with him I'm enjoying so I have no need to spend time with someone else because I fully intend to be in a relationship with this guy when the time is right.

I think as long as you're open and honest then there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person, and when things start to take a turn towards being more serious you have to decide if you wish to be more exclusive with this person or if you're happy with just dating them for more time.
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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 01:52 AM

Speaking as someone who does date multiple people at one time, I think it's a fine idea. Some people do it to seek a family of sorts to share their life with, others like it to augment a relationship with a primary partner, and still others do it just to have a little fun. Whatever the reason, dating multiple people is a completely okay type of relationship style to have; it's simply different, and less common, than traditional monogamy.

I am involved in what is known as a triad, a Female-Male-Female triad. In this group of three people, everyone is involved with everyone else. In addition, we have it set up that we can see other people on the side as long as they are approved by our partners, primarily by the male in our relationship, since he heads it. For us communication is of utmost importance. It is in any relationship, but it becomes doubly so once there are multiple people involved. This means that everyone needs to be on the same page. If you aren't exclusive with someone, it's best to tell them upfront that you aren't exclusive with them to avoid confusion and hurt feelings down the road.

In my experience, poly relationships are truly an amazing thing. They have a sense of community, of family, that is stronger than that of a typical dyad relationship. There are more people to rely on, more people to trust and share intimacy with, and more people just to have fun with. But be warned, poly relationships can come with a lot more burdens, too. It's difficult to balance everyone's wants and needs in the relationship, and there will be times you will get hurt and disappointed because yours don't get met first. There can also be more jealousy and envy in poly relationships, which can be hard to deal with.

While poly relationships are different, they're a lot like monogamous relationships, too. Both face the challenges of daily life and both have their respective issues. A lot of people can be weirded out by the idea of polyamory, but when all is said and done it's just a different style of relationships.
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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 01:54 AM

It depends.

I think that if both parties are consenting that it's okay for either one, or both, to date other people or multiple people at once, it's no big deal. If one doesn't know of the other's dating other people, then that could be considered as cheating, I suppose.

It all depends on the situation, and what both parties had agreed too.

Open relationships also mean friends with benefits, so I'm not sure sleeping with multiple people is cool; I mean, your having sex with one person, then those two people are also having sex with one or more people. It just leads up to bad reputations, possible pregnancies (where one doesn't know who the father is) and STD's if you don't know if the other is clean. It could be fun for a while, but dangerous as well.











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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxpaigiexx View Post
I think it very much depends.
With me, I will see more than one person unless it has been specified that we are exclusive. If I'm exclusive with someone I will be happy just to see them and spend time with them.
Being in a relationship with someone is completely different though, that definitely has to be discussed.
For example, I'm seeing someone at the moment, but he hasn't asked me to see just him exclusively, but I'm spending so much time with him and the time I'm spending with him I'm enjoying so I have no need to spend time with someone else because I fully intend to be in a relationship with this guy when the time is right.

I think as long as you're open and honest then there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person, and when things start to take a turn towards being more serious you have to decide if you wish to be more exclusive with this person or if you're happy with just dating them for more time.
What would happen if the guy thought you two were exclusive and you didn't feel the same way? Or to flip the tables using your situation, what if the guy does not see you exclusively, but you are seeing him exclusively?

Just wondering.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Superstar View Post
Speaking as someone who does date multiple people at one time, I think it's a fine idea. Some people do it to seek a family of sorts to share their life with, others like it to augment a relationship with a primary partner, and still others do it just to have a little fun. Whatever the reason, dating multiple people is a completely okay type of relationship style to have; it's simply different, and less common, than traditional monogamy.

I am involved in what is known as a triad, a Female-Male-Female triad. In this group of three people, everyone is involved with everyone else. In addition, we have it set up that we can see other people on the side as long as they are approved by our partners, primarily by the male in our relationship, since he heads it. For us communication is of utmost importance. It is in any relationship, but it becomes doubly so once there are multiple people involved. This means that everyone needs to be on the same page. If you aren't exclusive with someone, it's best to tell them upfront that you aren't exclusive with them to avoid confusion and hurt feelings down the road.

In my experience, poly relationships are truly an amazing thing. They have a sense of community, of family, that is stronger than that of a typical dyad relationship. There are more people to rely on, more people to trust and share intimacy with, and more people just to have fun with. But be warned, poly relationships can come with a lot more burdens, too. It's difficult to balance everyone's wants and needs in the relationship, and there will be times you will get hurt and disappointed because yours don't get met first. There can also be more jealousy and envy in poly relationships, which can be hard to deal with.

While poly relationships are different, they're a lot like monogamous relationships, too. Both face the challenges of daily life and both have their respective issues. A lot of people can be weirded out by the idea of polyamory, but when all is said and done it's just a different style of relationships.
In all honesty, I have never heard from this type of relationship outside of "swingers." Interesting perspective. Seems like it would definitely be viewed as "strange" by most people but it is probably cool for the people that are involved and willing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShannonPants View Post
It depends.

I think that if both parties are consenting that it's okay for either one, or both, to date other people or multiple people at once, it's no big deal. If one doesn't know of the other's dating other people, then that could be considered as cheating, I suppose.

It all depends on the situation, and what both parties had agreed too.

Open relationships also mean friends with benefits, so I'm not sure sleeping with multiple people is cool; I mean, your having sex with one person, then those two people are also having sex with one or more people. It just leads up to bad reputations, possible pregnancies (where one doesn't know who the father is) and STD's if you don't know if the other is clean. It could be fun for a while, but dangerous as well.
If it is never defined as an exclusive relationship, can it be considered cheating?

I definitely agree with the "friends with benefits" thing.

Do you guys think that there is a double standard in regards to dating multiple partners at once (women are labeled as "sluts" where men are "studs") or is it becoming more acceptable for both genders as time goes on?


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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:21 PM

Quote:
If it is never defined as an exclusive relationship, can it be considered cheating?

I definitely agree with the "friends with benefits" thing.

Do you guys think that there is a double standard in regards to dating multiple partners at once (women are labeled as "sluts" where men are "studs") or is it becoming more acceptable for both genders as time goes on?
First question: No, I don't really view it as cheating. Nobody can really be upset, or get mad about the situation because there was no definition of the relationship before hand. Neither party defined the relationship as being exclusive and/or official, so therefore, they don't have any romantic ties to that person, or they have no obligation to that person. There should be a communication beforehand to make sure that the relationship is going to with FWB or a monogamous relationship. Example: My current boyfriend and I talked about being FWB before we started dating. We had an entire two hour conversation about what the terms were, what we expected out of each other. Our main rule was: if we are out together, in a group, we would go home together, not with anyone else. But, if we were out separately, we were allowed to do what we wanted with whoever we wanted, as long as we communicated what we did with the other person with each other. That way, we sort of knew what was going on, and to make sure that both of us were being safe since neither of us could handle a pregnancy scare, or even the slightest STD scare. A few weeks later, however, we both realized that our feelings for each other were too strong, and we made it official. We have been in a monogamous relationship ever since!

For the second question: I think that a couple of years ago, it's definitely viewed as 'girls are sluts, guys are studs'. But, it's becoming more and more acceptable these days. Of course, we are all judgmental creatures, and I still think of girls who sleep around as sluts, I'm not going to lie. But, it's not my place to voice that opinion (except for here, since I feel like I can do that here, so girls who have slept with multiple people at once, please don't hate me). But, I don't think of the guy as a 'stud'. I also view him as a slut, or man-whore for lack of a better word here. They're no different than us, except they can't get pregnant. Sleeping around isn't something I was ever interested in, so this is where I'm basing my opinion off of. I really have no problem with anyone who wants to sleep around, it's just not and never has been for me. There is definitely a double standard there, and there shouldn't be. Men and woman who have slept around should be viewed in the same context, although, that will definitely not be happening anytime soon.











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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 12:30 PM

I think there is a big difference between dating, and being in a relationship. To me, dating is what happens before you make it official, and why shouldn't you date multiple people at once? It gives you a better chance of finding the person you want to be in a relationship with.
Until you have that conversation to make it official, I think it is perfectly acceptable to 'play the field'
However, I will say that it's not an enjoyable experience having to tell one person that you don't want to see them because you met someone else more compatible.
As for your question regarding the double standards, I've had both sides. My closest girl friends, and guy friends tell me it's perfectly acceptable for me to play the field if I choose to, but I have some other friends who do look down on me, and view what I'm doing as deceitful. Though I think that is because they have more traditional views than I do. As in, they view dating someone meaning they are instantly exclusive, whereas I don't because nothing has been said to make it that way. I have seen the same for men as well, sometimes they will be 'studs' sometimes, 'players'. I think it depends on the people really.
I don't think there needs to be a conversation about the possibility of dating other people. Unless something is made official, personally, I would assume they are dating others, as I probably would be also If the girl gets mad about it, she should have had a conversation with you regarding dating other people. It should not be implied that once dating starts everyone is exclusive.
Of course, there will be many who disagree with me, and that's all fine and well, but that's my opinion on the matter.
So go forth and date, you stud


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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 18th 2011, 01:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShannonPants View Post


First question: No, I don't really view it as cheating. Nobody can really be upset, or get mad about the situation because there was no definition of the relationship before hand. Neither party defined the relationship as being exclusive and/or official, so therefore, they don't have any romantic ties to that person, or they have no obligation to that person. There should be a communication beforehand to make sure that the relationship is going to with FWB or a monogamous relationship. Example: My current boyfriend and I talked about being FWB before we started dating. We had an entire two hour conversation about what the terms were, what we expected out of each other. Our main rule was: if we are out together, in a group, we would go home together, not with anyone else. But, if we were out separately, we were allowed to do what we wanted with whoever we wanted, as long as we communicated what we did with the other person with each other. That way, we sort of knew what was going on, and to make sure that both of us were being safe since neither of us could handle a pregnancy scare, or even the slightest STD scare. A few weeks later, however, we both realized that our feelings for each other were too strong, and we made it official. We have been in a monogamous relationship ever since!

For the second question: I think that a couple of years ago, it's definitely viewed as 'girls are sluts, guys are studs'. But, it's becoming more and more acceptable these days. Of course, we are all judgmental creatures, and I still think of girls who sleep around as sluts, I'm not going to lie. But, it's not my place to voice that opinion (except for here, since I feel like I can do that here, so girls who have slept with multiple people at once, please don't hate me). But, I don't think of the guy as a 'stud'. I also view him as a slut, or man-whore for lack of a better word here. They're no different than us, except they can't get pregnant. Sleeping around isn't something I was ever interested in, so this is where I'm basing my opinion off of. I really have no problem with anyone who wants to sleep around, it's just not and never has been for me. There is definitely a double standard there, and there shouldn't be. Men and woman who have slept around should be viewed in the same context, although, that will definitely not be happening anytime soon.
*applauds* another well-articulated post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia View Post
I think there is a big difference between dating, and being in a relationship. To me, dating is what happens before you make it official, and why shouldn't you date multiple people at once? It gives you a better chance of finding the person you want to be in a relationship with.
Until you have that conversation to make it official, I think it is perfectly acceptable to 'play the field'
However, I will say that it's not an enjoyable experience having to tell one person that you don't want to see them because you met someone else more compatible.
As for your question regarding the double standards, I've had both sides. My closest girl friends, and guy friends tell me it's perfectly acceptable for me to play the field if I choose to, but I have some other friends who do look down on me, and view what I'm doing as deceitful. Though I think that is because they have more traditional views than I do. As in, they view dating someone meaning they are instantly exclusive, whereas I don't because nothing has been said to make it that way. I have seen the same for men as well, sometimes they will be 'studs' sometimes, 'players'. I think it depends on the people really.
I don't think there needs to be a conversation about the possibility of dating other people. Unless something is made official, personally, I would assume they are dating others, as I probably would be also If the girl gets mad about it, she should have had a conversation with you regarding dating other people. It should not be implied that once dating starts everyone is exclusive.
Of course, there will be many who disagree with me, and that's all fine and well, but that's my opinion on the matter.
So go forth and date, you stud
*more applause*

So what are you doing Friday night?



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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 19th 2011, 12:21 AM

Do you guys and gals think it is easier for women to date multiple partners or for men to date multiple partners?

I think women have it a little easier because they have a constant influx of partners but then again I am a little biased.


"Ignore the ramblings of the ignorant, and step on or over their crumpled bodies as you make your way to the top of the mountain. Eat upon their flesh for fuel, and, through your determination and will, banish them to obscurity and a life of complacency and self righteousness that is the hell in which they live"

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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 19th 2011, 01:46 AM

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Originally Posted by Bearded Lifter View Post
Do you guys and gals think it is easier for women to date multiple partners or for men to date multiple partners?

I think women have it a little easier because they have a constant influx of partners but then again I am a little biased.
I think it could go either way, but from my own personal experience, it's easier for women to date multiple people as well. We don't have to put too much effort into going up to guys or to grab their attention. I believe that it's the men that have a harder time getting us to notice them. I, myself, get put off when I'm approached my someone at a bar, or at a party. If I know the person, it's a different story. The attention is nice, but I make it blatantly known I'm in an exclusive relationship (this is completely off the point, I know).

But, basically the first half of my statement is how I feel about that.











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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 19th 2011, 02:22 AM

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Originally Posted by ShannonPants View Post


I think it could go either way, but from my own personal experience, it's easier for women to date multiple people as well. We don't have to put too much effort into going up to guys or to grab their attention. I believe that it's the men that have a harder time getting us to notice them. I, myself, get put off when I'm approached my someone at a bar, or at a party. If I know the person, it's a different story. The attention is nice, but I make it blatantly known I'm in an exclusive relationship (this is completely off the point, I know).

But, basically the first half of my statement is how I feel about that.
Age: 20
Location: US



"Ignore the ramblings of the ignorant, and step on or over their crumpled bodies as you make your way to the top of the mountain. Eat upon their flesh for fuel, and, through your determination and will, banish them to obscurity and a life of complacency and self righteousness that is the hell in which they live"

-Richard Safreed

"Civilize the mind, but make savage the body."
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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 19th 2011, 02:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearded Lifter View Post
Do you guys and gals think it is easier for women to date multiple partners or for men to date multiple partners?

I think women have it a little easier because they have a constant influx of partners but then again I am a little biased.
Pretty much. Even average-quality girls will have a few men available to them at any given time (although whether they want those men is another issue). Men have to work for their harems.



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Re: Dating multiple people at once - May 19th 2011, 03:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearded Lifter View Post
Age: 20
Location: US

We already had this conversation











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