When I'm on my own I just lose myself.

Today was fine, after I finally managed to get myself out of the house, but now that I'm home again and sat on my own, I don't know what to do. I've read through all my e-mails, I've browsed the forum, I've joined in the game threads, I've offered some advice, I've played a couple of online games, I've sat on facebook, I've answered some formspring questions. I don't want to stop because I feel empty again, like I always do when I'm alone, but...

...

I don't know how much more i can take, i spoke to my coach who now thinks i'm crazy. She said i can't compete until i sort myself out, that is the problem, i can't! My training was something to focus on, a break from reality, but she has taken that away.

My drinking..cutting... Overdosing, it has taken control of me, i feel as though it is the only thing left. It feels like there is nothing left to fight for, and hopefully therefore nothing left to lose.

I just sit...

Today is already messed up. I've eaten too much already and it's only 08:15 AM. Which means that I probably won't eat anything else all day. My plans are all messed up because it's a bank holiday so the swimming pool is shut. My boyfriend left his bus pass at mine so if we're going to meet up then I'll need to go to his by myself.

I want to just stay at home all day on my own now. I don't even want to leave the house.

I don't know what to do. If I stay, I doubt I'll...