It's raining like the world's ending. I love it. I'm proud of myself in a sense. Today, I was restricting. Counting every calorie, feeling the emptyness, counting my excersize, etc. I was doing SO WELL. But then I decided I was hungry, and I realized, do I really want to go back to that? Do I really want to have to explain to my parents yet again why I am doing this? Do I really want this? And I decided, No. I don't want this. I just want to be perfect and that's impossible. So, I ate...

Okay, so I just posted a bunch of old things that I had written and saved in my old email account.
So, some of that stuff is still going on and some of it is not..

well, hey it's summer and school has been out for about three weeks for me. It has been pretty boring at the most. I was on a missions trip last week, it was amazing. H U M B L E D ! Is the perfect word to describe it.

It also kept me out of the house..haha.

Well, it has been really hard controlling...

Things are getting better. I suppose.
I have Alan back.
I have Steph back.
I have no boy drama.
Single is all good.
I have God.
I have new friends.
Friends make me smile && laugh everyday.
Drama is going good. Great actually.
I have absolutly no problem in my life write now.
But something is still wrong. I don't know what it is. I can not pinpoint it.
But there is something, because I can't smile. I just can't laugh....

I remember when I used to laugh.
Now, I can't even break a smile.
I guess happiness has become my past.
My friends pass me by.
Oh, how I love each and every one of them.
I know I'm letting them down, but they can't see through the lie.
I told them I am a failure.
They either walk away or try to help.
But none can find the cure.
I guess I'm too far gone.
And I need a person.
But there was noone.
As I write everyone my final letter....

I don't want their order anymore.
I have had enough of trying to be perfect for such imperfect people.
I want them to realize that this world has so much more.
I know I may sound selfish, but they have to understand.
I need for them to see that MY world has no order.
My world is utter chaos where nothing is ever planned.
Ever since human beings walked this planet, there's always been mistakes.
Perfection can be a goal, but it will never be obtained.
...

.ExternalClass .ecxhmmessage P{padding:0px;}.ExternalClass body.ecxhmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}Yesterday I lost my closest friend.
Yesterday I wanted time to end.
I wonder if my heart will ever mend.
I just let you slip away.
Maybe Ill never see you mile again.
Maybe you thought it was all pretend;
All these words I could never say
I just let them slip away.
Why don't you hear me,
When I am calling out (to you)
Why don't...

Worse and worse
I fail at all I do.
A blessing or a curse?
I love you.
But my heart broke in two.
Was all we said..
Really just words to you?
Empty words.
Heart shattered
Feel used, Feel misplaced.
I didnt even matter.
I guess its done.
Can you tell? But you dont care about my tears.
This is nothing, This makes me noone.
Watch me turn around.
Say goodbye, a final time darling.
I cant look back, my word...

I want to die.
Not just because I'm miserable, but because.I'm sad all the time and I have become a burden for everyone. And if I was dead, it would be a giant lift off of everyones shoulder.
I never wanted it to be like this.
I just want to be happy.
I don't think I ever gone at least two months without being happy. I've been angry. And even emotionless. But never happy for too long. It's...

It's wrong. So, so wrong.
Nolan is right. I am crazy. I do have crazy problems.
But it's not my fault. I know it isn't. If my mother didn't drink and do drugs while she was pregnant with me, maybe I could have been normal.
I. Could. Have. Been. Normal.
Then I would have friends. Lots of friends.
Or maybe I do have friends.
Their just not involved with Drama.
And that feels so good.
But I am not safe.
The kids in Drama hate me. They are all...

I'm not as low as I was yesterday. And I'm definitely not high. And I think I'm lower than "normal". So I guess - low. Just not as severely today. Which leads me to believe that the severity yesterday was reactive. Good to know.

I ate a whole pizza last night. I should feel bad about that, and I think under regular circumstances, I would . . . but I don't. I just . . . don't, which is kind of confusing. I'll probably feel totally shit when I weigh myself, but currently,...