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I'd love to know who I am (STRONG LANGUAGE?)

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Posted December 30th 2011 at 05:05 AM by Ennui.

I know I'm only fifteen. I know that I have quite some time left to figure this stuff out. I know that labels are just made by society and things change, that you don't always fit into one label. I was talking to someone on here tonight and he really helped me with that and I really appreciate that. This person hopefully knows who I am talking about, and if he stumbles across this, thank you so much.
I really would love to know who the fuck I am, though. A lot of the time I think that I am a piece of shit person with zero confidence who will end up fucking up everything she does in life. Not very confident from someone who wants to be a doctor. I don't even know if I want that anymore. I don't know WHAT I want anymore, but everyone seems so proud that I want to be an infectious disease doctor and maybe I still do. I don't know anymore.
I used to be so motivated to do work but now I'm procrastinating horribly and don't get anything done until last minute, then flip out when I get a B on it and it drops my grade way down.
But that's not what's bothering me right now.
I've identified as bisexual since the sixth grade. I've even told a lot of my closer friends. But I'm not so sure anymore, I'm really not.
I've had those crushes on guys. But now that I think about it, I don't know if I'd want to date them. Be intimate with them. Have sex with them. Anything from the waist down is just gross. Body hair disgusts me. I get over crushes on guys so fast.
Women. I am still a virgin but that doesn't mean I've come across my fair share of nude pics or lesbian scenes. I like that. It actually turns me on. I've thought a lot about my childhood now and I realize that I haven't just noticed the attraction to women since middle school. I prefer being around women more, I really do. I notice them more and actually, I've noticed myself noticing their breasts since I was little. When I was a kid I was obsessed with Wonder Woman. Then I discovered the show House and got obsessed with Cameron (and Chase, at the same time, oh his hair!) my first two celebrity crushes. I think I could really see myself with a woman more than I ever could with a guy.
I try to imagine myself married to some guy with kids of my own and I just can't do it. I mean, I do want kids, maybe, but I can't ever imagine myself as a good girlfriend, let alone a wife, or having SEX with a guy to GET said children. Which is why a lot of the time I've been thinking about adopting kids in the future.
I really don't know about myself anymore now and I just want to know who the fuck I am. I've been thinking about it any time someone mentions sexuality and a discussion starts about it. Today it got pretty bad and I just felt like crying and had that pain in my heart. I was actually triggered to self harm over it, but somehow I managed not to.
I just really want to know what I'll lean towards most of the time. Bisexual with a preference towards females? Lesbian? Even thinking about it now is starting to make it hurt again.
I really need someone to draw me a butterfly right now but nobody here knows what it means and if my mother finds out I want to SH I'll be put away. I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait to get back to school. My guidance counselor just so happens to run our Gay-Straight-Alliance. She'd know how to help me some, or at least give me constructive advice, right? =/
I really don't know what to do right now. XP
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  1. Old Comment
    You sound like the average 15 year old to me :P. Whatever you do, do it fun.
    Posted December 30th 2011 at 09:07 AM by Trickmatic Trickmatic is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Greenie's Avatar
    Awh, lovely it's called the annoying unwanted emotions of being fifteen. I pretty much had the same thoughts as you last year. Similar ones now but I'm working through them :P Confusion sucks. And having a parent who you don't trust to react in way you'd like does too. But you don't deserve to be this worked up over these things! They're all normal thoughts and you still have ages to sort through them and make sense out of them. I strongly suggest seeing the guidance counsellor. That's probably the best decision I ever made.

    Whatever you do, take care. <3
    Posted December 30th 2011 at 11:11 AM by Greenie Greenie is offline
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