This is a new kind of low. (Triggering)

Most of yesterday was a bad day.

It started out bright and early in the morning. My dad and I work in the same place but we stopped at the gas station beforehand. He parked the truck at one of the stations and went inside to give the people cash so he could pump. Well, the truck started rolling while I was inside of it. I guess it wasn't fully in the "park" gear or something. I don't know how to drive and forgot what to do in order to make it stop rolling so I got out of the truck since it was still doing a slow roll and watched it roll into the concrete barrier. There was no serious damage fortunately. Air bags didn't go off and the only damage was that some of the yellow paint from the barrier came on to his bumper.

So I run inside to get my dad and he comes out all angry and upset and bitchy at me and the truck and the world and I'm starting to cry.

But then he calms down and we get the gas and go, whatever. He calmed down and moved on but I was still super upset.

And of course the bad mood lasts. I can't just get over things. No, they linger. I felt so heavy and upset all day. I ended up cutting at work sometime in the morning. They weren't even bad cuts but holy FUCK they bled. They bled like underneath the band aids and bled through my pants so I took some of the tape I use to tape the boxes to the bathroom and taped it up and wet my pants with water to get the blood out. Then I went back downstairs and continued working and a few hours later there was more blood on my pants so I added another layer of tape and wet my pants with water again. Due to the color my pants turned after they dried, it looked like dirt so I had the idea to rub dirty boxes all over my pants so it would blend in more. Ew, but it worked.

But later on I put on my pajamas with new band aids still on but the cuts broke open again when I was playing with my niece and there was blood on my pajamas and she noticed it. She said "Boo boo?" and I basically was like "Yeah. I've gotta pee." and ran to the bathroom and cleaned up.

That's a new low for me. I NEVER wanted my niece to be involved with my self harm and while she didn't know what it was and while she didn't see the actual cuts, just the blood, I feel as if I've just exposed her to it. That's shitty of me.

My skin picking has gotten pretty bad too I guess. My scalp is covered in sores and scabs and it bleeds and hurts. I pick other spots too. My feet are the second worst spot though they're nowhere near as bad as my scalp, and then I'll pick other areas as well occasionally. I don't know how to stop because no matter how many times my mom sees and yells at me I can't. She says I won't be able to get a haircut with all these sores on my head and I still pick. I get to a point sometimes where it hurts to walk and I still pick. My niece has seen my injuries from skin picking before but I don't consider that self harm but still. She also sees me picking a lot and once I was picking my feet in front of her and she came around and started to peel my foot for me. I pushed her hand away and put my sock back on but it's like great, now I'm teaching her that too.