Sometimes I think that I am fighting a losing battle over here.

My mom said that if I ever self harmed again, she'd put me into inpatient therapy because I have "no reason to self harm" and, well, of course she thinks my suicidal thoughts are exaggerated.
But, I've been thinking.

No, the thoughts haven't gone away like I said.
I've lied to my therapist about the last time I've self harmed.
The therapist is already suggesting I see a psychiatrist, and is going to talk to my mom about this next time I see her.Once she does,...

I try coming out to my mom today. Know what she says? Pretty much stuff along the lines of: "Who's a lesbian making you want to be one? You want to be everything you read. Start thinking with your own mind for once, if you think you're a lesbian you really do have problems."
I KNEW she was going to say that, I just KNEW that. Everything is a game to her, my self harm, suicidal thoughts. You know what? I don't fucking KNOW why I feel so bad all the time, I really DON'T. And by...

My guidance counselor: "Have you cut anymore?"
Me: *deer in the headlights look, reluctantly shakes head no*

Answer I WANT to say: Yes, about three or four times since a bit before vacation. Relapsing keeps happening and I'm losing control again.

Can't have my parents knowing, though, really can't. Can't be locked up for 72 hours in some psych hospital. Grounded. Have my technology taken. Get lectured by various relatives.

The other day my...

While sitting there talking to people feeling fine I end up cutting.
I'm so stupid. It's on the wrist this time. At least if I'm gone for a while you know why.

I'm so fucked up. Get that sad scared feeling in my heart out of nowhere. Cut out of nowhere. Tired out of nowhere. No motivation out of nowhere.

Sick with a cold right now. The fuck's wrong with me?

I ask for a young therapist so I can relate. I get the old chick who did my intake because of my stupid schedule. I just don't want to miss school or quit my community service, but while I lied to my parents saying I liked that lady, I really only found her okay. But my mom said flat up it's either deal with her or don't go at all, and I kinda DO have to go because while my parents don't know this, it's either go to therapy or overdose. The pills are still getting harder to say no to. And nobody...

Sometimes my mother makes it really fucking hard for me to tell her shit. No, impossible.


Everything that I do is me playing “a game” to her.
My Self Harm is just me playing a game. It’s just me doing it for attention. Yeah, because I’m going to get fucking addicted to something and do it whenever I feel like shit, which is often, for attention. And then hide it.
My suicidal thoughts aren’t that bad. The school was totally just overreacting when they told you....

Can't sleep because I can't fully calm down. I start getting there then I get worked back up again. Haven't been this bad in ages. I even get the urge to cry and nothing ends up coming out

I know I'm only fifteen. I know that I have quite some time left to figure this stuff out. I know that labels are just made by society and things change, that you don't always fit into one label. I was talking to someone on here tonight and he really helped me with that and I really appreciate that. This person hopefully knows who I am talking about, and if he stumbles across this, thank you so much.
I really would love to know who the fuck I am, though. A lot of the time I think that I am...

I don't know how many people are going to actually read this shit, but oh well, posting it anyway. Good way to get out how I feel.

I went to my therapy intake on Wednesday. The lady that did my intake won't even be my actual therapist. She was okay enough, anyway, nice enough. Before we could even get in to see her, we had to do a shitload of paperwork. Actually, what I had to do wasn't that long, basically circle what applied to me and how long ago I felt that way (like in the past...