Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but...

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone...

My therapist set up the meeting with my mom today. She didn't go into any details with my mom about what's going to be talked about, but she's going to suggest I am sent for an evaluation and possibly medication. I'm all for the idea, but my mom won't be.

I'm scared, so scared of what's going to come of this. She's going to act all calm to J and then flip out at me. She won't even consider getting me evaluated. What if she wants to check me for new cuts again (J isn't mentioning the...

Half of me cares, half of me doesn't. I don't know how to do anything in school anymore, half because I'm a stupid fuck and half because I just don't care anymore, but then I get back my grades and remind myself just how much of a worthless failure I really am.

And half of me still just wants to take the pills, god dammit, if only I had the courage to they'd be swallowed right now. And still want to slice up my arms with the pretty new tool. Though I'm going to the YOUTH Forum event...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when...

I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...

This morning as I walked to my homeroom, I was walking in front of a few girls who are also seniors. And they were talking about someone. They didn't say any names, so it basically just left me curious. They were talking about another senior and how they couldn't let her donate blood because she had cuts. A lot of them. All up and down her arms. The way they put it there were a hell of a lot of them.

So I was curious in a way. Wanting to know who it was. I always tend to look at people's...

I'm sure some of you who have answered my HelpLINK ticket once remember that I was thinking of going on a date with this one girl? Well, I realized that it wouldn't work out because of how busy I am. I stopped texting her basically, but it really was accidental that I did. I just was always way too busy to text her back, and eventually she gave up.

I went to her Facebook page today. She already has a girlfriend. She seemed so desperate to get with me, too. I don't know, it seems strange....