TeenHelp - Entries for March 2011

Blades. (trig)

Posted March 31st 2011 at 11:37 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Blades came in today. Only 5 of them. Disposable. Doesn't mean they can't be recycled and used again. And again. And again.
I'm home alone tomorrow. I'm kind of afraid. I know I have to get on the wii to see if I lost anything. And I know I'll more than likely have gained weight. If I have I'll cut and overdose and refuse to eat. I can't gain anymore.

I won't.
So triggered tonight. Trying to hide it. I want to cut deep and not think about the consequences. I want the blood

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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Hm.

Posted March 30th 2011 at 06:27 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Today was my last day at placement for a few weeks. I'm scared about going back. One of the residents is effectively dying and I know when I go back he'll more than likely have gone. It's hard. I couldn't work in there on a permanent basis, I get too attached to the residents. And I really like D. Last week I was having a conversation when behind me, D started singing "It's a long wayyyyy to Tipperaryyyyy..." Whenever you get him on the stand aid to move him from his chair to another

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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Placement

Posted March 30th 2011 at 07:46 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

placement today. don't want to go. dont want to deal with it. ordered blades online last night. sharp. surgical. dangerous.
dont want to try anymore. so sick of feeling like this all the time. want it to stop.
blades coming with me. can't be without it. can't do this. don't make me.

LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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More nightmares. Fml.

Posted March 29th 2011 at 12:43 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

So tired. I dreamt that I was at the top of the stairs in my grandad's house. He was trying to hurt me. I thought he was going to kill me. I pushed him away from me and he tumbled down the stairs really quickly, hit his head off something at the bottom and skidded across the carpet. He was dead. I tried to call an ambulance or something but every time I dialled 999

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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>.<

Posted March 28th 2011 at 08:32 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Feels like I can't do anything right.
I should have let that car hit me today.
Or lay down at the furthest corner of the graveyard and waited to die.
Bought pills and alcohol and taken them together.
Cut too deep over as many veins as I could find.
Why didn't I? I had the chances.
I have more chances tomorrow. This time I'll take them. Home alone all day. So much at my disposal.

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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College fun.

Posted March 28th 2011 at 04:25 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

This made me laugh so much today. I was standing with my friend and her boyfriend and we were talking about parents.
Hazel: Louise's mum doesn't really like her having a girlfriend.
Gary. Why not?
Me: My parents are religious...
Gary: Is your mum on the pill?
Me: Um...I think so.
Gary: Right, when you get in from college, you go up to her and you say "Mum, I might like to munch carpets but at least I'm not on birth control!"

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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I'm ready to give up. (Triggering)

Posted March 28th 2011 at 11:26 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Updated March 28th 2011 at 12:34 PM by Palmolive (Adding triggering prefix)

Sitting in college. Trying to stay awake. Today's been so long already. Cut this morning. Argued with mum. Walked to Asda and got a new pencil sharpener, pliers and a first aid kit. Had all my blades in my pocket already.
Walked to the graveyard and cried. Just lay on the ground there for a while.
Walked to a park round the corner from my old school. Sat there and took the blades out of the sharpener. Sat on the swing for a while. Just swinging and staring at the ground.

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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Work.

Posted March 27th 2011 at 11:38 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Working today. Really can't be bothered. Still so tired. Didn't sleep well.
Blades are coming to work with me. Won't go without them. Even if I don't use them, I refuse to not have them with me. Wouldn't be the first time I've hidden in a toilet to cut. Maybe this time the bleeding will take longer to stop. Maybe it won't stop at all.
One can only hope.

LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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Nightmare >.<

Posted March 27th 2011 at 06:02 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Nightmare.

Was on this little island. Was tiny. A dead seagull fell down in front of me. I thought a bigger bird just got it. But then another one fell. And another. I could see small bullet holes and blood on them. I was scared. Decided to swim back to mainland. Wasn't that far. I kept seeing birds fall down dead in front of me. A swan had a small hole in it's head. It just flopped back and it just lay there. I had to swim through a group of dead ducklings. Except they were twice the

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LlamaLlamaDuck

Llama Lover/Skittle Minion

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Rant. Random thoughts. Meh.

Posted March 26th 2011 at 11:43 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Because of you.

So tired.
Doesn't matter how much I sleep, it makes no difference. I'm exhausted again hours after I wake up.
Seriously considering just going to sleep for a couple of hours just now. Parents have a thing about eating around midnight on a Saturday, my brother and I tend to steal their food. That and mum's all weird because she hasn't seen me eat today.