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....(triggering and strong language)
Posted October 7th 2013 at 01:44 AM by Lumos.
well i went to homecoming yesterday
I fucking hate homecoming so much.. I started to have a panic attack the second i walked in there, so we went and got soda then went to the back of the event center where the dance was being held. At least i had my friends with me. Then we just sat in the back and talked, mostly about how much we hated the dance, and pointed out who were wearing slutty dresses. Then a bit of time past and we got bored. Then some of my friend (lets call her A) friends came over, and pissed us off because theres some drama going on right now and they just wanted to talk about it but me and A didn't want to hear about it.. Then about 2 and a half hours in to the dance, these 2 guys asked my friend A to go dance and she left, even though she promised me she wouldn't leave so i wouldn't have a panic attack and i tried not to. She said she'd only be gone for 1 song but after she had been gone for around 45 minutes i started to get mad because she just ditched me. Then I decided i'd just want home ( i had no clue where my house was from there) and i didn't care if i got lost or kidnapped or anything but my other friend talked me out of that, so i called my mom after A had been gone for over an hour and a half. I was crying because i thought she wasn't the kind of person who'd do that. So my mom came and got me then i was so mad and i was crying. So then i got home and A texted and said that she lost track of time and felt horrible when she found out i'd left, so i forgave her because i can't really get to mad at her. we're okay now... i don't even know why i just typed that all, but i felt like i had to vent about it.
The last couple days have been so shitty, after cutting again i've wanted to do it again and i don't even know why i'm resisting anymore. its not like it matters to anyone if i do it or not.. I think i'm gonna do it again tonight, been so fucking triggered all day. I just want to make everything go away, all the thoughts are driving me crazy they won't stop and i've been in tears so much today because the thoughts and voices have been screaming at me and i couldn't handle it.. the urges keep getting worse and worse. i stole a self harming tool from me and my mothers ex-roomate and its so sharp and i just want to use it and not even care if I go too deep.
In the last 24 hours, i've been thinking about killing myself more than ever. it scares me how calm i am about it and how easily i would do it if i had the time away from people. I wouldn't be surprised if i was left alone for 10 minutes and started thinking of a plan and a note. I haven't been this close to suicide in almost a year. If i told anyone about the thoughts they'd put me i a hospital right away on suicide watch. if my parents knew actually, they'd probably just yell at me and tell me their going to take away my laptop, because that will solve everything....
i'm so scared to go to school tomorrow, scared that someone will see beyond the lie and ask whats wrong and another lie won't be convincing to them. I'm just gonna keep my head down and pretend i'm happy.
grades are beginning to slip, i have more than one C and my school told me last week that i'm never gonna go to any good colleges because of it but i don't even care, because i can't see myself living past this year.
beginning to think that my life will always be pointless and that i should cut all ties with people so i can finally leave and won't be missed.
I fucking hate homecoming so much.. I started to have a panic attack the second i walked in there, so we went and got soda then went to the back of the event center where the dance was being held. At least i had my friends with me. Then we just sat in the back and talked, mostly about how much we hated the dance, and pointed out who were wearing slutty dresses. Then a bit of time past and we got bored. Then some of my friend (lets call her A) friends came over, and pissed us off because theres some drama going on right now and they just wanted to talk about it but me and A didn't want to hear about it.. Then about 2 and a half hours in to the dance, these 2 guys asked my friend A to go dance and she left, even though she promised me she wouldn't leave so i wouldn't have a panic attack and i tried not to. She said she'd only be gone for 1 song but after she had been gone for around 45 minutes i started to get mad because she just ditched me. Then I decided i'd just want home ( i had no clue where my house was from there) and i didn't care if i got lost or kidnapped or anything but my other friend talked me out of that, so i called my mom after A had been gone for over an hour and a half. I was crying because i thought she wasn't the kind of person who'd do that. So my mom came and got me then i was so mad and i was crying. So then i got home and A texted and said that she lost track of time and felt horrible when she found out i'd left, so i forgave her because i can't really get to mad at her. we're okay now... i don't even know why i just typed that all, but i felt like i had to vent about it.
The last couple days have been so shitty, after cutting again i've wanted to do it again and i don't even know why i'm resisting anymore. its not like it matters to anyone if i do it or not.. I think i'm gonna do it again tonight, been so fucking triggered all day. I just want to make everything go away, all the thoughts are driving me crazy they won't stop and i've been in tears so much today because the thoughts and voices have been screaming at me and i couldn't handle it.. the urges keep getting worse and worse. i stole a self harming tool from me and my mothers ex-roomate and its so sharp and i just want to use it and not even care if I go too deep.
In the last 24 hours, i've been thinking about killing myself more than ever. it scares me how calm i am about it and how easily i would do it if i had the time away from people. I wouldn't be surprised if i was left alone for 10 minutes and started thinking of a plan and a note. I haven't been this close to suicide in almost a year. If i told anyone about the thoughts they'd put me i a hospital right away on suicide watch. if my parents knew actually, they'd probably just yell at me and tell me their going to take away my laptop, because that will solve everything....
i'm so scared to go to school tomorrow, scared that someone will see beyond the lie and ask whats wrong and another lie won't be convincing to them. I'm just gonna keep my head down and pretend i'm happy.
grades are beginning to slip, i have more than one C and my school told me last week that i'm never gonna go to any good colleges because of it but i don't even care, because i can't see myself living past this year.
beginning to think that my life will always be pointless and that i should cut all ties with people so i can finally leave and won't be missed.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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I'm really sorry that the homecoming dance didn't go well. I think that at the very least, A should have found some mutual friends that you trusted to hang out with before going off and dancing for more than one or two songs, or at least made SURE it was okay with you. Better yet, she shouldn't have left for so long. Hopefully things do continue to stay okay with the two of you, though. It's good that you were able to talk to her about it, and you're a good person for forgiving her.
I think that you've made a lot more progress than you think with resisting. Normally when you tell me that you're having a hard time, even if you may not fully know why you're resisting, you do, even if it's just for a little while longer, and remember that even a second longer is a good accomplishment when the urges are that strong. I do think you should try and hide that tool where it's hard to get at, though, because since it's so sharp it's probably not worth it to put yourself at risk like that and either get caught or sort of snap back to it and regret it if you do go too deep, if that makes sense?
Maybe when the thoughts get too strong and you think you may actually do it, you can find someone to hang out with or be around? I'm not saying you have to tell them what you're thinking if you really don't feel safe doing so, but at least then you'll have that distraction. If you can't be with someone in person maybe you can see if there's someone you can call or text, or even hang out in the Chat Room or on Facebook, because then you'll have a way to resist the urges or at least make it harder, since you're talking with people.
It must be really hard lying and hiding for so long, I really do hope you can find someone to go to.
I think that if you set your mind to college, you can get there. One bad year's not going to kill you if you want it.
But, I think that no matter what you'll be missed. You mean a lot to me and I'm sure the same can be said about your parents, even if they do yell at you, they think that's how to help, even if it's not. You make an impact on so many more people than you think, and they will notice your absence. There is always some goal to complete, some piece of nature, art, writing, whatever, some glimmer of hope, some reason to live.
You can do this. <3
-DezPosted October 7th 2013 at 02:03 AM by Ennui.
