I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut...

Oh boy.

So Leisa came over almost literally exactly when I decided to make toast. Which was about 11:00am. I'd got hungry (woo!) and I didn't feel like cooking properly, so I decided to have toast. And the first thing we did was go through the list of rules I'd made, which Leisa thought were all fine and normal and are stuff that should be expected of people anyway, to which I had an internal sigh of relief.

I start the WRAP thing tomorrow, she's going to give me money...

Leisa is cool. She came over today. I am still not in a good head-space, but Leisa helps. She got June to do some cleaning. We're going to have a roster so that June knows when to clean (hopefully she'll follow it), and Leisa wanted me to write down some things which I would like as rules which I have now done. She's coming over again tomorrow.

We went for a drive to one of the beaches down Weymouth way. Just sitting near the ocean, with the sea breeze, felt . . . felt badgood. I...

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I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....

So. My health has not improved.
I've been to the doctor's twice.
I've been on 2 rounds of antibiotics.
I've tried natural remedies.
Nothing Works.
I'm just so tired of being sick.
Now I'm gonna have to go to a specialist.
Which we can't afford.
And now, it's 'that' time of the month.
So that's not gonna help anything at all.
This sucks.
My health is depressing me so much.
I'd rather just die.
Life's short...

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My butterflies never last long. Today was a horrible day. I saw her at school. It didnt end well.

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Well, today was odd. For a number of reasons. To begin with, I got out of bed earlier than I needed to because I was hoping one of my british friends would come online. It didn't happen, but by that stage I needed to leave.

My appointment with Jens didn't happen. He had to cancel because he was needed urgently at the hospital or something, but he did drop by to tell my quickly that yes, I will be getting my license back.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? I GET TO DRIVE AGAIN!
...